


It's A Long Road To Recovery

by BrokenBones (Hikarinimichitasora), Loopie_Lupie



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: BDSM, Drug Use, FEEEEEELS!, Hurt/Comfort, Like Seriously Major FEEEEEELS, M/M, Past-Homophobia, Roleplay Logs, Sexual Content, Struggling with Sexuality, Top!Kirk, Tumblr Roleplay, WIP, alcohol use, bottom!Bones, past self harm, post STID
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-08-27
Updated: 2013-10-22
Packaged: 2017-12-24 20:39:19
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 39,324
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/944411
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hikarinimichitasora/pseuds/BrokenBones, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Loopie_Lupie/pseuds/Loopie_Lupie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Jim is released from hospital after Bones revives him, he is terrified of the darkness claiming him again, terrified that he'll never recover from what he's been through but he soon realizes that he's not the only one who has been drastically affected by the events that have passed. Together, he and Bones explore their relationship as they realize what it's like to love someone who is broken.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. First Night Home

**Author's Note:**

> This is a Tumblr RP started here: http://uss-enterprise-cmo.tumblr.com/post/51738612423/its-a-long-road-to-recovery-mccoy-kirk 2 months ago. We will be putting it here as we work on it. It is a VERY long story already and still growing. Hope you guys enjoy. This is currently unbeta-ed. When we get it finished being betaing, we'll fix the chapters. Until then, sorry for any mistakes.

The conscious part of Leonard McCoy’s brain said that Kirk was doing well now, was on the mend, and shouldn’t be back in a body bag for a long while. It was the subconscious that attacked him in his sleep that caused the issues. One would think it’d been bad enough when he wasn’t sure Khan’s blood was going to work on a human like it had on the tribble. Now that Jim was fine, he instead woke with nightmares that nothing had actually happened. That his best friend was still dead.

Which meant that as much as he hated himself for it, he spent the occasional night sitting next to the blond’s bed. The medically induced sleep had allowed his body the calm it needed to accept the enhanced blood, but he knew from personal experience that it wasn’t very restful. So with all the time Kirk spent dozing, his body and mind trying to catch up on the sleep it thought it needed, he tended to sit and do his paperwork. Or occasionally fall asleep in his chair. Which inevitably put a crick in his neck. But it was worth it to have the ability to look at Jim’s vitals if a nightmare woke him.

As the days went though, he realized that it was getting where he wouldn’t be able to keep Jim in medbay any longer. So instead he would have to give in and let the other go and pray to God that his nightmares didn’t drive him back into the bottle. He’d fought so hard to stay sober since he’d lost his patience with Chapel when he’d first been named the Chief Medical Officer. Standing up, popping his neck each way, McCoy recorded the blond’s vitals on his PADD before moving to wake him.

“Hey, Jim, you can go home today.”

Jim was afraid in a way he had never been before. He’d tested his mortality, and come off the loser. He’d felt those icy touches of death clawing at him, dragging him away from everyone, everything. He had felt the desperation within him - the ‘not yet’ and ‘please’ and the feeling of helplessness as his life was wrenched from his grasp - and the desire to live had been so strong…

He dreamed sometimes, of the darkness and the cold. Of the feeling of his body betraying him, not fighting, not continuing. He reached out to the glass save me save me save me save me don’t let me die and always touched the cold glass before the darkness claimed him.

Sometimes he awoke from his nightmares at the moment of death.

And sometimes he did not.

He tried his best to hide them from Bones. The other had worked so hard at putting him back together physically that he wasn’t sure that he could put up with the strain of putting Jim’s psyche back together as well.

He was brooding on how to go about dealing with the issue when he heard Bones come into the room. I’m being released?

“Well, you know how much I love Sickbay, Bones. I can’t say I’m going to miss this place,” Jim said, trying to keep his tone light and push away the emotions of panic and distress.

I am more than PTSD. I will not let it affect my command of the Enterprise. I will not let anything stop me from exploring the galaxy with this crew at my side.

“You don’t have all the strength you did. Being in the coma for two weeks means your muscles have atrophied slightly. Your body will also struggle with things such as walking for perhaps a day or two.” There was a part of him that hated that he was letting Jim leave MedBay already, but another part knew that keeping him there would just make the minor issues worse.

Bones had not been anywhere near prepared to have his friend to show up dead, and while he knew Jim wasn’t anymore, he still wanted to keep him close. He needed to know that this wasn’t just a dream. While the rehabilitation he had added to Kirk’s file wasn’t completely necessary, McCoy knew the best way to keep his mind in check was to keep an eye on the blond for the time being.

“There’s going to be an hour a day in which we will do stretches and work the muscles in order to encourage them to recover.” And until they got back onto the Enterprise, the newly named admiral luckily being willing to listen to the doctor and give them two more weeks before their mission was to start, he would likely follow Jim around as he had when they were in the Academy. 

He could cope without diving back into the bottle. He could, he was sure of it. At least, pretty certain. That was assuming Kirk was still willing to have Bones following him.

Jim could see something in Bones’ eyes that made him rethink his initial response of rolling his eyes and making a flippant remark. He thought for a moment. Bones was probably right, and he probably couldn’t go round gallivanting like he usually did. But he had nearly died, it had become so clear all the things he hadn’t done. Taking it easy wasn’t on his list of things to do.

But neither was recklessly endangering himself.

He felt somewhat torn.

“If I agree to this, can we please go to a bar and celebrate the fact I’m alive?” he asked, folding his arms across his chest. “It’s all well and good having visitors, but I kind of want to see some kind of… lively environment where not everyone is sick or looking at me like I’m some miracle of nature.”

While he didn’t really think that a bar was the best thing to do right off the bat, McCoy also recognized the fact Jim had actually listened and stayed put the four days since he woke up. “Yeah, we’ll go out to a bar in,” Checking his PADD for the time, he sighed softly. “An hour or so. I want you to eat something first.” And that didn’t mean the greasy burgers that Jim’s favorite bars sold.

“Why don’t we go eat somewhere then head for the bar?” He was glad that Kirk seemed to be willing to do the rehab. At least for the time being. “We can stop at our quarters so you can shower and change.” While they could have afforded separate rooms now that they were officers, they’d gotten a two bedroom apartment instead. It was just simpler to continue to live together. Not to mention it was easier on their budgets to split the bills.

Jim thought that sounded fantastic. “You’re talking about real food aren’t you? Not specially formulated hospital replicator food. Like, a steak or something that might once have actually been alive?”

He could feel his mouth starting to water already. He had almost forgotten what real food tasted like and, if he was honest, he was determined to eat a hell of a lot of things he normally wouldn’t the moment he could.

He pushed himself up a little in bed. “Now seriously, Bones, help me get out of bed. I don’t want to fall on my ass.

“Yes, I mean something from a regular restaurant first.” With how busy he’d been since Khan had crash landed the ship into the center of Starfleet, McCoy hadn’t managed to eat anything but the hospital food as well. He was looking forward to getting something that was real food as well. Not to mention a water shower instead of the sonic baths at the Hospital.

Sure, he could have gone home, but he’d always ended up sitting in the room with Jim instead. Moving closer to the bed, the doctor offered a slight smile as he reached out his arms. “Come on then. You may feel a bit weak, kind of like if you’d run a marathon, but your legs will hold you.” 

Jim took hold of Bones’ upper arms as he slid his feet around to the side, putting them on the floor carefully. With more effort than he ever thought it could take, he pushed himself up off the bed. He managed a few wobbly moments before his knees weakened and he ended up sitting down again.

He laughed a little, trying to hide any panic he felt from his body betraying him.

“Let’s try again. I reckon I’ll have it this time.”

Lightly gripping Jim’s arms as he helped him stand the first time, Bones stumbled a bit as he followed the other back to the bed. “Okay, it’s alright. Don’t rush yourself. The bars won’t be closed for a good eight hours. So I reckon you got about five before we really gotta be anywhere.” Voice soft and gentle as he spoke, his comforting doctor tone coming out, he tightened his grip slightly on Jim’s arms.

“Okay, once more.” Pulling a bit, legs spread to give him a good balance, he helped Jim up, hands just below the blond’s elbow to offer support. “Your legs will remember how to hold you soon, you’re just gonna be sore and feel real weak. Don’t expect to be doing any sort of running anytime soon.”

The shower he’d promised may have to be a bath with how badly Jim seemed to be. He’d forgotten just how much Kirk normally moved around. Being all but completely still for two weeks straight had left him with legs atrophied as normal, but the blond at a worse disadvantage than most.

Jim steadied himself and it was almost like he could feel his muscles straining to hold his weight. He felt them twinge as they sought to find a center of balance and right him on his feet. He swayed a little, but remained standing that time. He grimaced a little when he felt a particularly painful stretch.

“Bones, I don’t care if I have to leave this place in a hoverchair, I’m going to wash with real water, eat real food and then get at least a few decent beers in me before the end of tonight…” he said resolutely. He let go of McCoy in order to see if he could stand by himself.

Luckily he could and he let out a long breath he hadn’t been aware he was holding. He looked down at his white hospital gown.

“I guess you’ve brought some clothes for me to wear, right?”

“You’re not gonna need a hoverchair.” While his voice was steady and confident, McCoy wasn’t sure that it wouldn’t be a good idea. Keeping his arms under Kirk’s in case he had to catch him, the doctor sighed softly in relief at the fact his friend kept his balance. He was a doctor and knew how to move a patient when they could barely move, but knowing Kirk was doing this well meant he may not have to.

“Yeah, there’s some civies to get you home. You got this?” Speaking about the standing, McCoy slowly backed up, ready to race back and catch his friend. Grabbing the bag that’d been sitting next to the monitors for the last few days, he moved back to Kirk and set it on the bed.

“Let me help.” Pulling out the pair of pants, he set a hand on the other’s chest but didn’t push. “Sit down til you’re dressed, yeah?”

Jim let out half a laugh. “I just got stood up and now you want me to sit down?” He did as he was told though, sitting down on the bed. He didn’t want to allow Bones to dress him, but he was pretty sure that it wasn’t an option. He didn’t want to acknowledge that he was feeling quite tired just from standing either.

No. I am in control of this. I will control this. I don’t care if I have to force it. I won’t spend a moment of this life staying still.

He began to rummage through the bag that Bones had put next to him.

“You… Bones you have the fashion sense of an old man. I didn’t even know I had a flannel shirt in my wardrobe.”

“Yeah, yeah, just shut up.” Squatting down enough to work the pants over Kirk’s feet, McCoy pulled them up to the thighs and then reached instead for the shirt. “It was the only thing in that closet that didn’t stink or smell like it’d been worn at least once.” He was at least nice enough to not say ‘smell like perfume’ while Jim was already obviously shaken by the physical weakness in his body.

Helping Kirk get the medical robe off then the shirt on and buttoning it, he grabbed his friend’s arms and pushed them up over his shoulders. “Okay, hold on so we can get your pants up.” A half a step back and he was using a hold on Jim’s shoulder blades to urge him back to his feet. “Don’t worry, I got you.” Once he felt Jim’s arms tense saying he was helping with the lift, his hands dropped to pull the pants up. At least his medical training included such things as this so he didn’t throw out his own back or anything like that.

Jim felt a little uneasy, letting himself be dressed, but Bones was so efficient at it that he couldn’t help but let the other do as he pleased. He stared at a spot on the wall, trying not to do anything when Bones’ fingers were so close to his-

“You know, I think I can finish that myself,” Jim said, pushing away the doctor’s hands and finishing off the buttons by himself. It felt so good to be in his own clothes again that embarrassment soon left him. He sniffed at his shirt. It smelled like his shared apartment with Bones.

“You’re sure this is the only thing that was clean?” he pretended to pout.

Stepping back when he was pushed, McCoy was happy to see that while Jim wobbled slightly but didn’t fall back to the bed. Other than worry for Kirk, his touch had been clinically detached as Jim was currently a patient, so he wasn’t sure what’d made the blond push him away. Assuming it was a need to feel capable of doing things on his own, McCoy turned to grab his medical bag before rolling his eyes at Jim’s question.

“Do you remember the state you left your bedroom in? It reeks in there. Be happy I didn’t have to bring you my clothes.” Looking back to his longtime friend, he gave a light smile, happy to have Kirk able to leave MedBay finally. “You ready to get back to our apartment? I’ve arranged to have a hover car pick us up. They’ll be out front in five minutes.”

“Am I happy to be out of MedBay?” Jim repeated. “Is that a trick question?”

He took an unsteady step, his hand going to the wall for guidance. It was difficult, but he could manage. Maybe he could get himself a kickass cane for the night, prop himself up at the bar with it and show off to all the ladies-

“Home sounds good to start with,” Jim agreed. He reached for McCoy’s hand.

“Gonna need your help navigating areas that don’t have walls to cling to though.”

Immediately reaching back to Kirk when the other’s hand moved towards him, McCoy took a side step to be right next to him. “I’m here whenever you need me.” And that was true. To any connotation that his friend decided to take it. He didn’t think there was anything, save for his little girl, that would ever come before Jim.

“We’ll get you into a bath once we get back to the house. We can use mine for the moment as I don’t even want to try navigating your room with you needing help.” Out of habit born of his years in the medical division, having been in the medical field before joining Starfleet, he wrapped an arm around Jim’s waist as he took them into the halls and down to the hovercar waiting for them.

Jim got into the hovercar, grimacing that he was already sweating slightly. He slid across the seat and tried not to feel miserable. He looked out of the window at the city around him.

“Bones… how many… how many were killed during the Khan incident?” he asked, not trusting himself to look at the Doctor. In his head he’d been carrying a tally. 6 billion Vulcans lost due to Nero. 24 crew members lost in a series of disastrous missions during his first year. 4 family members. If he could reduce them to numbers, he could deal with them. He felt a small solace sometimes in the way that Spock could real out odds and figures and had founded his coping mechanism in it.

The hover car began to move.

“All I know is almost half of the crew of the Enterprise and several more on the ground. I was a little too busy in here healing the ones who were still alive to keep a count, Jim.” McCoy understood the idea of turning people into numbers, knew the way Jim’s worked. Truly, he wished he could do the same. Instead he saw all the people who’d been on his table that he couldn’t save. All the ones that he had to watch die. They weren’t numbers. They were numerous eyes turning glassy and bodies turning cold. It was something he couldn’t forget.

Gripping Kirk’s upper arm firmly when the hover car lurched into motion, the doctor was happy to see that it wasn’t really needed as Kirk had managed to shift well enough to not look like a bobble head. And luckily, as he’d asked for a medcar, the trip to their apartment wasn’t very long. Then again, the fact their apartment was in one of the building just outside of Starfleet’s main city probably helped there too. 

“Alright, Jim, come on.” Helping his friend from the hovercraft, he headed inside to the transport tubes. Of course he’d agreed to Kirk’s desire for the top floor when they’d first moved in. Now he just had to get him there.

Jim added them to the tally in his head. More lives that he had been responsible for and had been unable to save. When the car stopped, he allowed Bones to help him out of the car and looked up at their apartment.

“Kind of wish I hadn’t talked you into the top floor apartment now,” he said, trying to force some humour into his tone. He put his arm around Bone’s shoulders and began to walk towards the apartment.

“And you know, seeing as we’re going to be stuck here for a while, we should probably hire a cleaner. I’m not going to want to clean up all my shit,” he said. If Bones’ description of his room was anything to go by. He couldn’t really remember how he’d left it. Usually he just grabbed his uniforms and left.

He got to the lobby of their apartment building and pushed the button for the transport tube to take them to his apartment.

“And to think, you were so sure that nothing would ever destroy your happiness over having the top floor.” Teasing Kirk a bit, Bones looped his arm about the blond’s waist for support as he allowed him to set the pace. No point in rushing him as that would just make it harder on the muscles and likely frustrate the other even more.

“I think a cleaner sounds good.” If only because of his own room having needed a dusting after his last trip down to Georgia to see Joanna. “I’ll look for one tomorrow. For now, we need to get you bathed and dressed so we can get some food.” Walking Jim into the transport tube and turning him around slowly, the doctor typed in the code for their floor and waited for it to get them there.

“I threw some clothes into the wash, so you should have some clean now for after your bath.” It was a pair of jeans and a black tee shirt along with socks and boxers, but he figured that one outfit was good enough for now. He really hadn’t felt like sorting through everything to pick out something Kirk would really like.

Jim leaned against the glass of the tube, transferring some of his weight to it. He was feeling mildly frustrated already, although the repeated promise of a bath was keeping his temper in check at least a little.

“Have you seen Joanna recently?” Jim asked. He knew that the doctor had been busy putting him back together, but he must have seen his daughter right? Especially seeing as he’d have been all over the news in the aftermath. Jim had been watching some of the interviews that the crew had done and was quite proud of their professionalism.

The tube came to a stop on their floor.

Able to all but feel Jim’s annoyance with the predicament from the stiffness in his body and how bad his attempt at being funny had been, McCoy tightened his hold on the other a bit. He wished there was something more he could do for Jim. Wished that he’d been able to keep the other’s muscles from atrophying. He’d made sure to work his legs and arms at least three times a day, but it wasn’t anywhere near enough with Kirk’s normal activity.

“Vidchatted to her a couple times this week. She’s got good grades. But is being teased for ‘em.” Sadly, the little nine year old didn’t know that being sweet and answering all the questions the teacher asked would get you bullied. Not to mention that her mother had gotten both their names changed to her new husband’s last name, so when she said her daddy was in Starfleet everyone accused her of just being an attention seeker as the one who’d been to pick her up was just a business tycoon.

He so badly wished he could be more there for her than he was, but this was what fate had decided for him. Leading Kirk out of the transport tube with a heavy sigh, he headed straight for his rooms. “Lets get you bathed, yeah?” 

Jim nodded and let McCoy maneuver him around the apartment. He felt sad to hear that Bones hadn’t been able to see Joanna that much, apart from through vidchats. It wasn’t the same. There was something static and forced about them.

“Maybe we should go visit her while I’ve got all this sick leave? S’not like I need to be able to move about too much to travel. Hey, we could make it a road trip! Me and you, Bones, on a journey to the deep south…” he trailed off to indicate he was teasing. Though he wouldn’t be averse to the idea.

He’d seen lots of roadtrip movies as a kid and always had wanted to go on one but with one thing and another, he’d never really had the social circle to do it.

“Maybe.” The answer he gave had Bones wincing slightly when he realized how flat his tone had sounded. He just didn’t really want to tell Kirk that the reason the last time he’d gone to see Jo was her eighth birthday wasn’t actually because he had too much work to take a vacation. The truth was, Jocelyn had refused to let him see her. He’d asked a half a dozen times now if he could come see his little girl and there was always an excuse. Clay was sick, or Jo was going to a friend’s or a family vacation or any of several other excuses.

Shaking his head slightly to clear his thoughts, McCoy steered them into the bathroom. “Alright, I’ll get the water going. Don’t fall please. If you start to feel weak, just sit on the toilet.” Yes, he was well trained to keep the lid down from living with his grandmother and then Jocelyn, so it wasn’t like Kirk had to do anything but sit if he didn’t trust himself to keep standing.

Bent to work the water taps to a good temperature, Bones looked over his shoulder to his friend. “You should go ahead and start getting undressed.” Plugging the tub, he didn’t even realize that his words had any possibility to be embarrassing. His mind was set to doctor mode in worry of Kirk and wanting to make sure that he didn’t hurt himself getting in or out of the tub with how shaky he was on his legs.

Jim frowned, sensing that his friend wasn’t telling him everything. He resolved to ask later, when they’d had more alcohol. Bones would probably tell him more about it then without him having to be nosy about it.

He began to undress, mechanically following McCoy’s instructions. Only when he got down to his boxers did he realise that it was kind of weird to be this comfortable stripping down in front of another man. They’d been through alot together, sure, he wasn’t too sure he was keen on Bones seeing him completely naked.

But then why would it be a big deal? Not like the Doctor hadn’t seen one before…

Jim tried to work out why it mattered, but he was almost certain it did.

“Yeah I can probably take it from here, Bones.”

“I’m not letting you be stupid and get yourself hurt because you’re stubborn.” Straightening up and turning to face the blond with a scowl, McCoy spoke with the commanding tone he’d perfected as the CMO of the Enterprise. “Now stand up and drop ‘em so I can get you in the tub. I’ll leave until you’re ready to get out after that if you want.” 

Seeing the hesitancy in Kirk’s eyes, he scoffed. “It’s not like it’s anything new. First of all, I’m a doctor, a body is a body. Secondly, we don’t leave you dressed to give you a sonic bath at the hospital.” Reaching out a hand for Kirk to steady himself on, the doctor didn’t even look towards the door. But he very nicely kept his eyes on the blond’s face. Why yes, before any sort of emotional attachments he was a doctor.

Jim felt heat rising to his cheeks and he folded his arms across his chest defiantly. “We’re not in Medbay now. I can sit down and get my own boxers off Bones. I don’t care if you’ve seen it all before or whatever. They’re my genitals and I get to choose who sees them.”

It didn’t matter that there had been plenty of situations in the past where people he was barely acquainted with had got damn right personal with them. There was a line and Jim didn’t want to cross it.

He wasn’t an invalid goddamnit.

“Damnit Jim, this is about your safety. I don’t need you slipping trying to get in and crack your damn head open!” Voice harsh, McCoy couldn’t help his annoyance and worry. Really his biggest fear was Jim being hurt worse right now. When he was just getting him up and moving. 

He didn’t know how well he’d keep it together if Jim did smack his head right now. Not after all the bloodied wounds he’d dealt with recently. With how many of them had died right there on his table. 

“Please, just be safe about this.” Voice soft, almost pleading in tone, McCoy looked the blond in the eye, knowing that he’d leave if Kirk really asked him to now. There wasn’t any argument about this that he could win really.

Jim was surprised by the pleading tone of his friend, and the almost desperate tone his voice had taken. He hadn’t even considered the emotional strain that he had been putting on the other.

“Alright, alright,” he huffed, looking away. Bones’ eyes were just too… raw. He couldn’t meet them. He slipped his boxers off and tried not to think too much of standing there in the buff in front of his friend.

“Now help me in that water quick. I feel like I haven’t had a proper wash in weeks.”

Blessing whatever it was that had made Kirk give in, Bones immediately stepped forward to help steady him, guiding him into the water. Already the tub was nearly full and so he turned to turn off the taps once he got the blond seated in the tub. “Alright, I’ll be in the bedroom. I’m leaving the door cracked so just call when you need me, alright?”

Pulling down the soaps and a clean washcloth for Kirk, he turned and headed from the room. Flopping back onto his bed, the doctor took a deep breath, trying to keep himself calm. Kirk was okay. Was going to be just fine. Finally feeling calm enough, he turned to his bedside table for a book. Best way to pass the time in his mind.

Jim began to scrub himself almost immediately, but eventually he just lay back into the water and relaxed. He felt warm and safe. He could hear Bones turning the pages of his book in the other room.

He grabbed shampoo to wash his hair and lathered it up before going under the water to rinse it out. Splashing about for a bit as he tried to get soap suds from his eyes, he then sank back again.  
Staring at the ceiling, he couldn’t help but remember the fuzzy memories he had from the past two weeks. Waking in various stages of healing, seeing the light of the surgery table or other things. He hadn’t told Bones he remembered any of it and he doubted he would.

He shook the thoughts off and looked around, seeing a towel hanging on the rack. He wondered how much trouble he’d be in if he got out of the bath by himself. Bones would probably send him back to Medbay immediately. But still…

He pushed himself out of the water and sat on the edge of the bath, waiting for it to drain off his body before carefully swivelling, putting one foot, then the other down. He remained seated the entire time. He reached for the towel and in doing so slightly overbalanced. He grasped the air for a moment before he accidentally knocked the door, slamming it shut and fell to his knees.

“Fuck,” he cursed as his knees connected with the tiles. Well, at least it hadn’t been his head.

Entranced with his book, Bones was quite oblivious to the time passing. Something about reading for his own amusement seemed to just completely destroy his ability to tell time. The only thing worse than reading was talking to his little girl. Though, the bathroom door slamming had him rolling to his feet, dropping the book to the bed without a care as his entire focus was on Kirk.

“Damnit Jim!” The words were already slipping from his lips before he even saw the blond. After all, since there wasn’t really any other way for the door to have ended up closing he was already aware that his friend had tried to get out of the tub on his own.

Dropping to his knees in front of Kirk, hands gripping firmly at the other’s upperarms, McCoy looked at the man, fear and worry in his eyes and making his voice hard as though he were angry. “The hell were you thinking? Did you not hear me say that I was going to help you? That you were to damn well call me to get your ass outta that tub?” Even as scared as he was for his friend, there was a part of him that took relief in the fact it was his knees that’d made contact with the floor and not his head with the counter or floor.

Jim accepted the scolding through gritted teeth. Really, he hadn’t done much damage to himself, but he knew that he’d been somewhat stupid. He snagged the towel and wrapped it round his waist.

“I thought I was being sensible about it, alright?” he protested, trying not to pout because he was certain that if he did he’d lost. “I just… I’m not the kind of person who can just rely on people, Bones, you know that. And even so, this concerned professional crap… It’s like still being in Medbay.”

He hadn’t meant to say any of that.

“Am I supposed to just not give a damn then?” Voice firm with his annoyance at Jim’s words, Bones released the blond and stood up. “Would you rather I let you fall and crack your head open without a care? Just leave you to it? If you like I can certainly do that.”

Anger controlling his reaction at the moment, mainly because he’d always thought he was the person that Kirk felt comfortable relying on, the doctor spun on his heel and stalked out of the bathroom. “Have fun getting to that bar.” Picking up his book, he opened it as he started to pace. Not that he was able to read it with the anger and hurt swirling within him.

He’d thought himself Jim’s best friend. Maybe he wasn’t as important to the man as he’d thought.

Jim cursed and dragged himself to his feet. He hadn’t meant to offend Bones and he realised he’d sounded ungrateful. He was frustrated though.

He wrapped the towel tightly around his waist before gripping the sink with both hands and hauling himself up. He could almost hear the muscles straining and stretching as he did so. On his feet once more, he made slow progress to the door.

“Bones, Bones wait,” he called, leaning against the doorframe and trying not to pant. “Please. I’m sorry.”

He probably looked pretty pathetic right now and he hoped that it would work on Bones the way it had worked on others he’d known. The puppy dog eyes were well practised.

It was hard to keep himself from returning to Kirk’s side, knowing that he’d be struggling with moving on his own. And yet, McCoy’s anger helped enough that he was able to just pace, staring sightlessly at the book in his hand. Turning to face the blond, the doctor couldn’t hide the hurt in his eyes.

The fact Kirk didn’t believe he could rely on even his best friend hurt so badly. Too aware of his own thoughts and feelings regarding the man, of how much he’d opened up and trusted this man, to be turned away hurt like hell.

“I won’t force you to rely on me. I can get you a cane or a hover chair and you can do things all on your own.” Voice flat, shaking slightly as he tried to hide his hurt while praying Jim couldn’t read it in his eyes, the doctor gave a small shrug. “You’re no longer my patient, so I have no say on what you do other than the rehabilitation each day.”

Jim fumbled for words, his expression mirroring his frustration in trying to get himself across to the other. He guessed the only thing he could be was honest. Maybe if Bones understood what he was thinking, he might… understand, even if he didn’t agree.

“It’s not about that, Bones. God. I trust you. You’re the closest thing I have to family left,” he choked out. Every instinct he had was telling him to hold back, to not say, to keep to himself because nothing would change from just talking about it. Hell, things could get very bad if anyone knew what was going on in his head but… but this was Bones.

“It’s just… I died Bones. I could feel it. Everything switching off inside me. Every atom in my body betraying me and there was nothing I could do,” he realised he was shaking. I’m having an emotional breakdown. This is it. This is the moment he declares me not fit for duty and I get put on some garbage scow for the rest of my career.

“I can’t… I need… Every minute. Every second. I can’t waste it. I don’t want to die like that again. I don’t want to die regretting having not done, having not said… And the way I see it, I’ve just got to be stronger, faster, better…”

He cursed, his hand going to his face to hide his eyes. He must look ridiculous, holding himself up against a wall in just a towel, fucking crying.

“I can’t not be in space, on the Enterprise, but I’m terrified of what will happen when I take command of her again.”

“Then why can’t you rely on me?” Voice a little more shaky, Bones didn’t bother to try to hide his hurt anymore. He knew he was interrupting, though his words may have been too soft for Kirk to make out from across the room.

“You don’t think I realize you died? I saw you laying in a body bag. I couldn’t do a damned thing!” Feeling tears well up in his own eyes, the doctor shut them to make sure that he didn’t actually cry. “When that damn tribble came back to life, I knew that was my only option. Do you know how hard it was? Spending nearly a week and a half praying that you were actually gonna wake up?” Accent thickening making his words a bit rougher, one hand clenched into a fist while the other tightened on his book.

“I don’t know what you think you need to do, but right now I know /I/ need you to get better. I /need/ you to take the time to let yourself heal. Damnit, Jim, I can’t lose you again!” Body starting to shake, the doctor took the small step needed to sink onto his bed, not quite trusting his legs to give him the support he needed.

Kirk was nearly all that meant anything to him any more. Was the only thing that kept him going everyday. His daughter was special to him and he’d do anything for her, but she couldn’t give him the drive to face every day. Kirk did. Kirk kept him from completely losing it. Whether he knew it or not.

Jim made his clumsy way across the room to the bed. He held onto the wall as best he could as he walked and when he finally got there, he sat down heavily beside Bones, putting his head in his hand.

“I’m fucked up, Bones,” he replied. “Everything’s a mess and I don’t know what to do. I trust you. I… You’re…” Jim didn’t know how to finish the sentences he was uttering. He could feel something inside him, deep and simmering, but it was hard to read through the fog of fearlivefightsurvive that was overriding everything within him.

“Please don’t leave me,” he forced out, closing his eyes tightly. “Oh god, I don’t know what I’m doing.”

Head tucked so that his chin nearly rested against his chest as he trembled, Bones couldn’t do much but clench his hands and try to will himself to calm. Even hearing Kirk struggled to approach he couldn’t make himself move to help him. Instead he fought back tears and the stress that was making him shake.

“What you do is get better. Is not push yourself past what you’re able to do. It’ll only take a couple days to stop shaking. Then you’ll just have to build up.” Thinking as a doctor definitely cleared his head. It made the patient more important than anything else. Even though Kirk didn’t want him to think of him as a patient as it kept him acting almost as if they were still in MedBay, McCoy didn’t have any option. After the near month he’d spent worried about his friend, there had been a lot of self evaluation. And after the the things he realized, with what he was feeling right now, being the doctor was the only safe option.

The friend was afraid of losing the person he was closest to. Afraid of losing the person who had put his heart back together. As terrifying as it was, he’d come to realize that he had more than just platonic emotions for the man.

They were possible to hide in everyday life. But right now, when all his emotions were running hot, he couldn’t. There was no way to keep a lid on every single emotion and that meant he had to do what he could to keep the friendship that he couldn’t handle losing.

Jim clenched his fists in his hair. “Bones I…” Jim didn’t know how to finish his sentence. He had a million things he wanted to say, but no way of conveying it. He could see that his friend had become his CMO again and it terrified him on a scale he couldn’t explain. He wasn’t Bones’ captain right now. He sat up, reaching hesitantly for a moment before his hand made contact with the doctor’s arm.

“Leonard, please,” he forced out. And goddamnit, he never used that name. But he was desperate. “I’ll listen to you, alright, just… don’t shut me out like that.”

He felt like he’d been courageous somehow, but he wasn’t sure that he had. Bones looked like he didn’t want to be anywhere near Jim right now and Jim… he had no one else. Spock would probably allow him to do what he wanted, but Spock would also impose restrictions on him in a different way.

Jim realised his hand was still on Bones’ arm.

Flinching slightly at Jim’s touch, trying to keep himself focused on not letting his emotions run rough shot over him, the doctor’s head snapped up to look at the blond. “You....don’t...” Voice breaking, the words coming out as two different attempts to start a sentence, Bones shook his head and took a sharp breath in trying to swallow down the panic building up within him.

“Don’t call me that, Jim. You don’t...” Other than immediate family, the only person he’d let call him by his given name for several years now was Jocelyn. He kept people at arms length by making them call him McCoy for years, and now the one person that he /had/ to keep distanced from himself was using it.

Without meaning to, he leaned into the hand on his arm slightly, so badly wanting to give in. No matter how impossible he knew it to be.

Jim swallowed a lump in his throat that felt like a golf ball. He felt Bones lean into him slightly and gently moved his thumb over the skin there. It was warm. He leaned in a little himself. Bones smelled like hospitals and disinfectant and Jim tried to block it out.

“Fine, Bones then,” he said, aware his voice was hoarse. “I’m a mess right now. I can’t hold anything together. I need you to just… I don’t know. Kick my ass, bitch at me, get on my nerves, under my skin but… don’t abandon me. Please,” Jim’s voice hitched on the final word. “We’ve been friends for years. You’re damn near the closest thing I’ve had to family since I was twelve years old. Right now, I need you.”

He wasn’t sure how the words were forcing themselves out. He was laying himself bare, stripped of the bravado, of the ego, of everything he had built for himself over the years in order to survive.  
But if Bones wanted, if he was too much of an inconvenience, blurring that boundary between friend and patient, then he would go cap in hand to Spock and see if he could stay there.

A shiver ran through Bones at the stroking of Jim’s thumb against his arm and he let out a rather shaky breath. Oh that was really not helping his focus. Eyes falling shut, he wished he knew how to make Jim feel better.

“I /can’t/ leave you.” The single word was lightly stressed as he interrupted Jim, too aware that he would never manage it. While in a way it hurt to be around the blond all the time, at least he had him in that capacity. It meant he wasn’t completely alone without any whom he cared about.

Breath catching at Jim’s last few words, the doctor had to take a couple moments to tell himself that Jim didn’t mean it the way it sounded. There was no reason for them to mean what his mind tried to make them. Trying to change the topic so that he could clear his head and figure out how to hide his true emotions, McCoy gave a barely more than whispered, “I should go shower so we can get dinner.”

Jim removed his hand from Bones’ arm and let it rest on the bed instead. For a moment he just looked at Bones’ face. He looked tired and like the weight of the world was on his shoulders. Jim had long learned to look past the grumpy exterior to see what was really going on but it seemed like Bones was being deliberately obtuse right now. Like he didn’t want Jim to see what he really felt about this.

Whatever it was, Jim guessed his death had affected more than just him.

He looked up at the ceiling. “You sure we should still go out? We could order takeout and catch up on holovids or something? Uhura was telling me there’s this one with the hot chick out of the Starfleet promos that’s pretty good,” he suggested.

He had fucked up, he was fucked up, but he needed to make amends somehow.

Bones could feel Jim’s eyes on him, knew he was trying to see what he was thinking. Sadly, he was thinking that he had to hide everything from his best friend. Had to keep him as at least that. Sighing softly, he shook his head and pushed himself to his feet. 

“Naw, a drink sounds too good to pass up and I’ve only got a little left in the apartment right now.” And drinking sounded good, no matter how stupid he knew it would be. All he could hope was that he could keep his tongue under control while drunk. Realizing that Jim had known he’d only taken three bottles on the ship from his entire case, the doctor hoped that Jim wouldn’t remember that meant he’d gone through nearly a half dozen fifths in a month. “Anyway, I’ma shower.”

Moving away from the bed to dig out some civies from his closet, he added, “Feel free to borrow something if you don’t like the outfit I cleaned for ya.” Which explained the pile of laundry on one of his chairs. Nodding at Jim, he slipped into the bathroom. Though he didn’t close the door as the doctor side of his brain was also running high and he had to make sure he could hear if Jim got hurt.

Jim watched Bones leave - no watched Bones run away. He glanced around and saw some clothes were folded on the chair near the bed. He considered getting up and walking around, but instead just scooched across, snagging a pair of boxers.

He dressed with as little fuss as possible, staying on the bed as long as he could. He couldn’t really complain about Bone’s choice of clothes. It wasn’t exactly high fashion, but he guessed they were probably not going anywhere classy anyway. He wondered who was going to be holding who up at the end of the night.

He flopped back against the bed.

He felt like something had snapped, and that things would not go back to being the way they had been before. He’d been out of Medbay less than two hours and already it was telling. He looked at the bathroom door before getting to his feet and shuffling to the kitchen. He wasn’t particularly hungry, but just moping on Bones’ bed was like being back in Medbay.

All their food was hideously out of date or canned. Had Bones been eating in the hospital cafeteria? He knelt down stiffly to look in another cupboard and caught a glimpse of the recycling box. It was full of hard liquor bottles.

Oh.

Oh.

Letting the hot water just run over him for several minutes, the doctor worked on focusing himself for the night to come. He couldn’t act the doctor but had to keep himself in check. It was doable. Tricky, but doable. He was sure of it.

Washing quickly once he’d gotten himself mentally figured out for the time being, or at least as close to it as he could manage, the doctor shut off the water and stepped out. Quickly drying off and dressing in his chosen civies, a pair of dark jeans and a thin button up that he’d kept from back when he was still working on his grandmother’s farm, he headed back out into the bedroom. 

Not seeing Kirk there, he wondered further into the apartment, one hand still holding the towel to scrub his hair mostly dry. Finding him in the kitchen, he lifted a brow. “Thought we were going out for dinner, Jim.”

The look on Kirk’s face when he turned to him though had him growing a little worried.

“What?”

Jim didn’t want to start a fight, but he couldn’t fight back the sarcastic reply from his throat. As if the other had the nerve to grouch at him about looking out for himself.

“Once upon a time, there was a case of bourbon. It lived in a nice little cupboard in a kitchen on Earth and it was supposed to live a very long life,” Jim began, sarcasm virtually dripping from his words. He leaned against the side, arms folded over his chest. “Then one day, a doctor came home and drank the whole lot seemingly in the space of one month.”

He looked away, fuming. “Please tell me that you haven’t spent the last month stinking drunk on your own here, Bones.”

“I was never drunk at work.” That was at least a good thing. Besides, he’d only drank before Kirk had started to register vitals again. Which was good as he’d finished off what he had on hand. Not that Jim needed to know that he’d been living on hypos for the hangovers and drinking once he got home til he slept. Hell, the need to get drunk had outweighed the need for dinners. Which could be why his shirt was a bit looser than he’d meant it to be.

Even after Kirk’s vitals had started back up, he’d not bothered to try to balance out his eating schedule. Normally ate two meals a day and lived on the vitamin shakes the hospital had.

Shrugging a bit, Bones looked away from the blond. “Stopped drinking when I ran out.” That sounded like a good enough excuse. Made is possible that he’d not been drinking really heavy, didn’t it? “So, dinner right?” He still needed to grab socks and shoes for that, but oh well. Right now the important thing was the change of topic.

“Oh, I’m glad you weren’t drunk at work. I mean, it’s alright to have my life in the hands of a surgeon who’s just drunk on weekends,” Jim growled. He looked up at the ceiling, his anger spiralling out of control. He needed to stop this and stop it now. He could feel himself starting to see red and he didn’t want to start saying stuff he didn’t mean.

He closed his eyes and took a few deep breaths, trying to steady himself. Part of him knew that this whole emotional state - one minute crying, the other angry - was some kind of twisted emotional cycle. Abstractly, he could tell it was following the pattern for grief, denial, anger, acceptance then spinning backwards over and over again.

Was he right to be angry? He couldn’t tell anymore. He felt like he had nothing to ground him. Perhaps it would have been better to have stayed with Spock? At least the other would have provided some kind of… emotional stillness so that Jim could try to work through all this shit rationally.

He was aware he hadn’t said anything for a few moments and opened his eyes looking at Bones again.

“I guess it’s none of my business anyway.”

“Yeah, it’s perfectly safe. It’s be like me asking if it was safe for the Enterprise to be under your command because you get drunk on the weekends sometimes too.” Hissing the words back at his friend, the doctor tried not to completely lose his mind to his emotions. He too wasn’t doing too good at keeping them in check.

Several deep breaths to calm himself and McCoy was turning away from the blond to fetch his shows. Not that he bothered to close the bedroom door. He could tell that Jim was angry and having been on the wrong side of that anger once before when the man was drunk, really didn’t want him hurting himself trying to knock the door down.

“It’s a form of coping.” Speaking as he got his shoes on, looking back up into the blue eyes that haunted him anymore, McCoy sighed again. “I’m not an alcoholic, Jim. I stop when I need to. But it was the only way that I kept going. That I kept myself in check. Alright? Now, can we go get dinner? It’s been a few hours since either of us have eaten.”

Jim shook his head, knowing that he’d lost this one just as he’d lost the last one. He left the kitchen, grabbing a pair of shoes that were easy to slip on and pulling them onto his feet. He didn’t know what to say. He felt like years of friendship was unraveling before his eyes.

Had things changed without him noticing it?

“I need to get so drunk I see double,” Jim finally said to break the heavy silence. “Romulan Ale scale drunk.”

Perhaps then he could just stop… feeling?

“I can agree with that idea...” Standing up and wishing that he didn’t want to pull Kirk into his arms and apologize a million times for arguing, McCoy snagged a light jacket before heading into the main living area. At least Jim was starting to realize that if he was focused on the shaking that it didn’t get so bad. Or maybe he was just too emotional at the moment.

Rubbing a hand over his face, the doctor lead the way out, requesting a hover car to get them into town. Knowing that there would be some near by this time of night as it was about now lots of couples wanted to head to dinner, he just got them heading downstairs. 

Looking to his friend, McCoy sighed softly as the doors to the transport tube slid shut. “I’m sorry Jim. It’s still hard for me to handle you dying.” Really, he’d never been real good with handling his emotions and this was all the more proof of that. “I didn’t mean to upset you. I’m just...I’m not me right now.” More of ‘I’m not able to be just friends right now’, but he couldn’t say that. Not and expect to keep Jim as even his friend let alone his best friend.

Jim was surprised by Bones’ admission. He mulled it over for a few minutes before replying, turning to look at the other. He met Bones’ eyes for a moment and had to look away, something strange causing his throat to tighten.

“It’s alright. I don’t think I’m too stable either,” Jim replied, feeling prickling heat creeping up his neck. “We make a real pair. Any girls that talk to us tonight are in for a real treat. I mean, which of us is the most batshit right now?”

Jim chuckled to himself, putting his now clammy hands in his pockets.

“I’m not taking anyone home tonight.” Mainly because really, he hadn’t been looking at anyone since he realized how he felt about one stupid risk taking starship captain. He’d been dealing with people and likely been more of an ass to most, while trying to make sure Kirk was going to make it through this. 

Now that he had, the doctor wasn’t sure how to act. He was so lost in his own emotions that he really had no idea what he was doing. It was why he’d tried to keep himself focused as a doctor. It was so much simpler. 

“By the way, remind me not to touch the Romulan Ale.” Always left him with a migraine that even the hangover hypos barely touched. “I’m thinking I’ma try for the Saurian brandy.” It had a better kick than his Bourbon and should leave him with the numbness that he wanted without him drinking to the point of Kirk worrying too badly about him.

Jim put his arm companionably round Bones’ shoulders. “Alright. You can just be my wingman for the night,” he said, trying to keep the mood light now that they seemed to be talking about something other than their mental health.

“And neither of us should be touching the Romulan Ale to be honest. I don’t want to be hospitalised again!”

The door to the lift opened and Jim let his arm drop from Bones’ shoulder. He shuffled out and glanced around for the hover car. There was a breeze and Jim wished he’d remembered his jacket. He folded his arms over his chest.

“Yeah, cause that’s something I specialize at.” Even though the words were a complaint, his tone was a good deal lighter. McCoy was definitely amused by the idea of being a wingman as really he struggled at getting someone in bed with himself, let alone helping someone else.

“Naw, I’ll just be making you eat the broth from the hospital and refusing you hypos for it.” Voice still teasing the doctor found that mayhap, if they kept it this sort of light hearted play, he might not have to keep a constant eye on his emotions. Thoughts would still need to be kept track of so they didn’t slip out, but at least he could act normally for the moment.

Rolling his eyes and draping his jacket around Kirk’s shoulders, his shirt plenty warm, McCoy stepped forward as a Hover Car came around the corner. “You know, I’m not up to a lot of travelling. Just this once, how about we go ahead and eat at the bar?” In other words, I wanna get drunk as soon as possible.

Jim was surprised when Bones gave him his coat in a gentlemanly gesture. It was something he’d have done if he was trying to get into a girl’s pants and she was dithering. He grasped slightly at the edges of the coat, still warm from Bones’ body, and tried not to seem like it weirded him out at all.  
It smelled of Bones.

He darted into the hover car when it arrived, almost tripping up when his body didn’t quite respond the way he was used to it doing. He grabbed at the side of the car and cursed before wrenching the door open.

“Yeah, yeah we can do that,” he said in response to Bones’ suggestion they eat at the bar. He sat down, sliding across the back seat and leaning back.

He could feel unfamiliar seams pressing against him and wondered if Bones was going to ask for it back now they were inside.

Reaching out the moment he saw Kirk’s balance change, Bones barely stopped himself from grabbing the blond when he caught himself. Yeah, that rehab treatment was going to definitely be necessary for the man. Of course, after nearly a damn month, it wasn’t all that surprising.

“Good.” Sadly, the idea of a greasy burger sounded amazing to him at the moment. A steak would have been nice, but the burger just sounded better for once. Which was odd as he tended to watch his fat intake to a degree since he wasn’t working a farm anymore and only had the gym as a way to keep himself in good physical condition. Which was hard for him since he couldn’t make himself lift weights very long as it was just a mindless motion and he’d get lost in his thoughts instead. After getting his ass chewed by three different spotters, he’d given up on weights and switched to safer forms of exercise.

Asking the driver to take them to a specific bar once they got the door shut, Bones leaned back against the seat with a sigh. “Do me a favor and don’t go out dancing too much. Don’t want you getting hurt.” Not to mention that he really didn’t want Jim very far from him at all.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> However, apparently the Jovian Sunspots hadn’t been a good idea as they’d been just enough to make him tipsy. Which lead to him leaning forward and grabbing the blond’s shirt yanking him forward and into a hard, needy, kiss.

Jim smiled and looked across at Bones. “Oh, I was really planning on busting a move on the dancefloor though,” he said. He didn’t want to admit that he was exhausted just from the limited movement he’d done so far. He was pretty sure that he wasn’t going to be able to even stand at the bar.

Probably wouldn’t be able to pull a chick either. Even if he did, he wasn’t sure he’d be able to do much with her. He could flirt though, he guessed. Maybe get a few numbers.

Maybe Su-Hyun and Su-Hua would still be around town as well? He hadn’t really finished with them before he’d been called to Pike’s office… He glanced at Bones and realised why he really wasn’t as excited as he once would have been at the thought of /Asian cat girls./

“How’s the rest of the crew doing?” Jim asked, trying to derail his thoughts a bit. “I’ve seen Spock, but Uhura and the others. Are they enjoying their unexpected leave while the Enterprise is refitted?” He didn’t know why he assumed Bones would know.

Lifting a brow at Jim’s comment about dancing, the southern man scoffed. “Right, cause you're not shaky at all. Fall on your ass and it’s your own fault. Don’t expect sympathy from me.” Lips curled in a faint smirk of amusement, his tone showed that he was just teasing the blond.

Watching Jim for a moment, McCoy ended up turning his head to look out the window instead as he took in a couple breaths. He could do this. He could. He wouldn’t give in to the desire to grab his best friend and kiss him breathless. No, that’d be stupid. No matter how badly he wanted to feel that silky looking blond hair between his fingers and the too soft lips against his own.

Shaking himself from his thoughts at Jim’s question, he sighed softly. “The command crew keeps contacting me for updates on your health. Uhura is out visiting her family. Chekov is doing some random publicity stuff for Starfleet. And Scotty’s making sure that they don’t mess up the Enterprise as they fix her. Or so he put it.”

“I’m glad that they’re all doing something productive while the Enterprise is out of action,” he said, his hand absently running up and down the zipper of the jacket Bones had given him as he spoke.

“Has Sulu been in touch? He was worried about his sister. I thought he was going to ask you to look her over,” he said, though he could guess that Bones had probably been rather busy recently.

He realised his hand was pretty much /stroking/ Bones’ jacket and stilled his hand by just grabbing the material to pull it a little tighter around himself instead.

“Seems like that are. Each one is doing something they’re enjoying at the very least.” Bones didn’t really notice the way Jim was treating the jacket, just resting his head against the cool glass for a long moment. It’d been awhile since he’d ridden in a non-medical hover car and he’d forgotten how much slower they were since they didn’t have the lights and sirens.

“Yeah, Sulu brought her into the hospital. After the crash of the Vengeance there wasn’t any way that I could get away. They needed me there. She has a couple cracked vertebra. That’s what’s causing all her pain. She’ll be okay.” While normally the doctor wouldn’t give out information about a patient, they’d all heard about Sulu’s little sister and the pain she was always in. “Got her some pain meds and she’ll be okay. Not much she can do but try to not lift anything heavy.” Mainly because the cracks had happened on the side of the spine facing the bulk of her body instead of her back. Meant they couldn’t get in and fix it without some major surgery and they preferred she hit adulthood before they tried that. So in another year then she could come back and get it.

Glancing over when he heard the leather against leather sound from Jim moving the jacket without leaning forward off the seat, McCoy lifted a brow. “Need me to ask them to turn the heat up?” It was the only reason he could think of that someone would pull a coat tighter. It was the only reason he did at least.

Jim blinked and then realised that Bones was asking because of the jacket. He felt strangely panicked, like he’d been caught in a lie, and didn’t know why he felt that way at all. He wondered if he should shrug the jacket off and give it back, but wouldn’t that look odd? And why was it a big deal anyway? He felt heat rise to his cheeks.

“Nah, it’s fine. I’m just enjoying wearing your clothes, Bones,” he said, his throat a little tight. He didn’t know why this was flustering him so badly and decided that from now on, he just wasn’t going to accept /any/ of Bones’ things.

Though if he did start to think about it… Jim forced himself to look at the space in the seats between them. He couldn’t think about it in any sensible way. It didn’t make sense. He guessed he just didn’t want to seem like an invalid, and it was like Bones had caught him acting the patient.

Yes that was it. That’s why he felt like this.

Brow twitching minutely higher at Jim’s admission, McCoy gave a shrug. “If you’re sure.” Smiling a bit as he noticed how embarrassed the blond looked, he decided to throw a joke at him. “Probably because you’re not used to smelling clean. That’s what had freshness is. I don’t enjoy having all my clothes on the floor.”

A little worried about the expression on Jim’s face, he hoped that he could help him out somehow. Not that he had any clue how to. Of course, keeping his own thoughts on certainly approving of Jim in his clothes to himself was a bit tricky. Mainly because his thoughts weren’t quite as pure as he would have liked them to be. If only for the sake of his friendship and sanity.

Finding himself drifting farther into thoughts that really shouldn’t be happening at all, Bones shook his head rather forcefully. “So, you sure you’re ready for a big meal?” It’d only been a couple days that the man had been on solid food and while he knew Jim didn’t want him being a doctor at the moment, it was something he thought might count as a question from a friend. As well as a change of topic.

“Hey, it’s not like I can help where the ladies throw my clothes,” Jim protested, grinning at Bones. He remembered quite a few memorable ladies who had decided it was fun to divest him of clothes so quickly that he’d left trails of clothes even /outside/ his room. He liked to think Bones hadn’t been in /those/ nights.

“And I’ll be fine. I won’t eat too much and throw up on the carpet,” Jim said, pulling up his leg onto the seat and propping his chin on his knee.

”I’m house trained now… apart from the clothes.”

He was glad just to get back to joking again. He felt the car start to slow and began to dig about for his wallet in his pocket. He guessed he could pay for the hovercar ride at least.

Having been there a couple times that Jim had left clothes outside his room, Bones sighed and shook his head. Yeah, he could really do without the images of the blond without clothes. Especially with how out of whack his thoughts and feelings were at the moment.

“Just don’t go throwing up on me and I don’t care.” Smirking as he spoke, the doctor chuckled softly at Jim’s comment about being house trained. He was rather good about keeping the living area clean and did his own dishes and cooking. So he guessed he could agree with it. Since only Jim’s own bedroom and bathroom were disgusting.

Setting a hand on the blond’s arm and shaking his head a bit, McCoy offered a thanks to the driver and urged them out. “Ordered it on my account already.” He’d not felt like carrying any form of currency on him knowing that the bar they were headed to would know who he and Jim were and have their information on file.

Jim shrugged and opened the door to the cab, getting out and leaning against the trunk. He looked at the bar Bones had chosen, a familiar haunt that would at least serve them something filling, if not incredibly unhealthy.

“I didn’t know I had such a responsible sugar daddy,” Jim said when Bones got out, his smirk slightly lopsided. He knew that Bones wasn’t paying for him in that way, but he couldn’t help but tease in any case. Besides, it always got Bones so riled up.

Jim had always found it easy to casually flirt with Bones, more so than anyone else on the ship. Not that he ever really meant anything by it other than a way to make McCoy grouch at him. Sometimes he thought he got more of a rise out of him than others, but Jim really couldn’t be sure.

Bones was just hard to read.

Stepping out after the blond, Bones found himself pleased by just how not shaky the man looked. Even if he were leaning against the vehicle. It was the way he was holding himself a bit more confidently. Of course, that was most people with muscles that had been atrophied like his. It wasn’t a big deal so long as they weren’t thinking about it.

Snorting at Jim’s comment, the doctor just glanced at him and shrugged. “Not sure I wanna keep the job. Not getting much outta it but a lighter wallet.” Lips curled in a playful smirk, he nodded towards the bar. Not that he took off until Jim was moving that direction as he wanted to be sure the man didn’t stumble or anything.

The images that Jim’s words had brought to mind were hard to shrug off. Sure he’d made a joke back at the younger man, quite used to doing so, but he wasn’t sure how to handle the images floating through his head. God he wished his mind hadn’t taken the little things he knew about Jim and the women he brought back and filed them. Made the reactions in his head seem all the more real.

Jim entered the bar with a laugh in Bones’ direction and walked to a booth that was squirreled away in the corner. He usually propped up the bar, but he wasn’t looking for that much attention tonight and it wasn’t like he could do much even if he /did/ attract the attention of some hottie.

“I want the biggest hamburger they’ve got. Like one the size of my head or something,” Jim said as he sat down, somewhat less gracefully than he normally would, with a small ‘oof’. He grabbed a table menu and immediately turned it to the back where the drinks were.  
“You paid the cab here, so I’ll get you a drink. What you having Bones?”

Glad that Jim seemed to be happy with a booth at the moment, Bones slid in and threw his legs up on the bench so that he was sitting with his back against the wall the booth was attached to. Glancing at the menu, he tried to remember which drinks had the highest alcohol content. “Jovian Sunspot and a glass of Saurian Brandy.” 

Yes, he felt it fair to order a shot and a glass to sip at. He had paid the cab fare and all that anyways. “I’m thinking one of their bourbon mushroom burgers with bacon would be good.” While he knew that mentioning bourbon after their argument may not be smart, he loved the flavor change. Besides, to get a burger cooked all the alcohol was evaporated. So it wasn’t like he was going to add to his intoxication with it.

“You sure you could eat that much?” Lips curled in a playful smirk, Bones threw the somewhat smartass words at the man, insinuating that his ego had led to one hell of a large head.

Jim didn’t comment on Bones’ choices, it was… none of his business. Bones had made that pretty clear earlier. He brought up the console from the centre of the table, tapping Bones’ order into it. It was easier than walking to the bar. He ordered himself the largest hamburger he could find.

“I’ve yet to be defeated by a hamburger,” Jim replied, typing in his details and letting it credit his account. He leaned back in his seat with a sigh, eyes scanning the bar.

Usually he’d be checking out who was here, if there was anyone hot and potentially worth his time but tonight… He just saw bodies. It was odd. Maybe he was just broken? He glanced across at Bones.

“Is it just me or is it pretty dead in here tonight?”

Bones shifted a bit to get his shoulders more comfortable against the wall and then gave a heavy sigh. Well, that seemed to be impossible for the moment, but at least he didn’t have the corner of the table digging into his forearm anymore. Which was a very good thing as he’d started to have a little loss of sensation in his fingers. However, he now had pins and needles in them instead leading to him shaking his hand rather vigorously for a moment.

“Must be something wrong with your head.” Teasing the other man, the doctor found that he was a little worried about his long time friend. There were plenty of people in the bar that would have normally caught Jim’s attention, including a couple Orions, and the fact he was ignoring them was a bit troubling.

Of course, he’d never been one to pick people up in clubs, so he wasn’t too worried about not looking at the other patrons himself. Mainly because he had too much respect for people to be willing to just jump into bed without courting them in some way or another. It was just the way he was raised. However, the fact he’d finally figured out his own desires made the reason that Kirk kept his attention all the more obvious to him.

Jim tried looking again to see if it was just him being in a weird place. There were plenty of girls with very little on. There were plenty of /guys/ with very little on. Jim scowled.

“I feel like I’ve aged or grown responsible or something. I just want to tell them to put on some more clothes and quite possibly watch their drinks a bit better,” he said, propping his head up on his hand. He lazily watched a tall, dark girl walk passed with the tiniest hotpants on he’d possibly ever seen.

Luckily he was stopped from brooding too much with the arrival of their drinks. He grabbed his own from where the waitress set it down and knocked it back. She eyed him for a moment.

“Do I need to bring over the bottle?” she asked. Jim shrugged.

“Probably.”

Snorting softly at Jim’s words, Bones gave a slight shrug. “Maybe everything that happened was good for you then. At least I won’t have to deal with mostly naked women wandering into the kitchen in the mornings.” He tried to keep his words light and teasing, but there was a slight bitterness to his tone on the last of it.

Taking the Jovian Sunspot and tossing it back, the doctor gave a low hiss as he set the glass back down. God it’d been awhile since he’d had one of those and had forgotten just how potent they were. But right now the distraction of the burn was welcome. There was too many things racing through his head for him to be able to speak at the moment.

Gesturing to the woman silently, he was glad she understood that he wanted the bottle of the brandy too. He needed the dullness of the alcohol right now. Everything was too sharp and he was too aware. Mainly of Kirk, but that was what worried him. Would he be able to keep himself in check right now while his emotions ran hot? He severely doubted it. At least drunk he could play it off.

Jim laughed and took the bottle from the waitress, allowing her to move away. He poured generous amounts for both of them before turning the glass around slowly in his hands.

“You know, I never asked you if you minded that. Figured you just complained about everything anyway, and that you’d just live with it… Must have been pretty shit to have to meet a different girl for breakfast every other day,” Jim said, staring down into his brandy. He had never really thought about his womanizing having an effect on anyone other than the girls involved and himself before.

He took another sip of the brandy. “God, I must be the most annoying person in the world to live with.”

/Like that’s a revelation to you, Kirk./

Wondering if that was seriously how he came off to people, McCoy decided that it really wasn’t surprising that Kirk had never flirted seriously with him like he had everyone else at the academy. If he seemed to just be someone who complained constantly then it wasn’t surprising at all. Taking a large gulp of his brandy, the doctor tried to keep himself from just getting up and walking out. He wasn’t going to leave his friend just because he wasn’t sure how to handle his emotions.

“I guess I rather learned to deal with it. Not a big deal. Learned how to cope with all your quirks.” Looking down into his drink, the brunet tried to figure out how to keep himself from saying anything he’d regret. After all, saying he had learned to deal was obviously the truth.

He’d learned to not let his jealousy show. Learned to keep from being rude to the women in their dorm. At least not any worse than he normally was. Learned to just stay in his bedroom until he had to leave for classes. Now he just had to learn to bite his tongue and not tell Jim that he hated having all those girls go trapezing through because he’d wanted to be the one in the blond’s bed. Wanted to be the one that got to see and feel the man naked.

Jim noticed that Bones wasn’t looking at him when he answered and guessed the other was being polite because they were friends. He took another sip of his brandy, watching the other.

“Yeah but perhaps you shouldn’t have had to. You call me on all my other shit, Bones. It’s weird that you just left alone my love life as though it wasn’t /completely/ fucked up,” Jim pointed out and looked down at his drink. Sod it, he wasn’t drunk enough still. He took a large gulp, still watching Bones’ reaction. He’d rather the other was honest with him if it really had been an issue. After all, it wasn’t like Jim couldn’t go back to the girl’s places instead.

“Wasn’t my place.” Taking a drink of the brandy to wet his throat, always surprised at how smoothly the Saurian brandy did go down, McCoy tried to make his words to make more sense. “I didn’t have the right to tell you to not sleep around. Did all I could telling you to be safe about it.”

As far as he was concerned, he was never able to say anything against the girls Kirk brought back because as that would have been selfish. Would have been him trying to force his own ideas, and desires, on another person and he wouldn’t do that. No matter how many times he’d wanted to just kick the women out and fall into bed with his friend instead.

Still staring into his drink, the doctor didn’t know what he could do. Well, actually he did. Nothing. There was nothing he could do about the captain’s promiscuity. Besides, if it made Jim happy that was all that mattered. He could stand as a friend and just be there to watch him smile. Hell, he’d probably end up standing as best man for the Captain at some point.

“But what about you Bones?” Jim asked suddenly, taking another sip of the brandy and leaning forward a little to rest his elbows on the table. “Isn’t it about time you got back in the game with someone? I mean, apart from the odd thing here and there, you haven’t really been pursuing anyone.”

Jim was about to say more but their food came. He leaned back, grinning at the size of his burger and removing the stick that held it together with a flourish.

“No point when you already know their thoughts about you. Or that you’ll drive them away.” McCoy had always just told Jim that the girlfriends left because they really didn’t get along that well or things like that. Never had he admitted that all four of the women he’d dated in the academy had left because he’d always put Kirk first. 

When Jim came in bloodied from a fight he was up and moving to get his medical bag to patch him up. Didn’t matter if he had somewhere there or not. If Jim called then he went. And women weren’t really okay with being ditched for another guy. Course, at the time he hadn’t realized why he was like that.

Removing the toothpick from his own burger and taking a bite, the doctor wondered if he could convince Jim to drop it at that. Really, he was too obsessed with one person in particular for anyone else.

Jim picked up his burger, thinking for a few moments while he chewed. It felt damn good to have something real hit his stomach. He could almost feel the calories entering his system.  
It was sad that Bones felt that he just drove people away, because Jim really couldn’t imagine a better person to settle down with. Obviously it hadn’t worked out with his ex-wife, but Jim really couldn’t see how that could have been Bones’ fault. Not to mention that the man had a good career, clearly had no issue with settling down and wasn’t bad looking.  
In fact, was pretty good-looking, all things considered. Jim blinked and swallowed a massive mouthful of burger.

“Spock is getting more action than you. /Spock./ That’s not healthy you know. Vulcans should not be having more sex than humans. It’s like, a law,” he hoped that by mentioning the Vulcan he’d at least lighten the mood and get Bones to play along a bit rather than getting all morose over his hang ups on his ex-wife.

Taking another couple bites, the doctor found that sadly the grease really did hit the spot at the moment. It’d been so long since he had fresh mushrooms and being accompanied with real meat made it damn near heavenly. A soft sound of content rumbled in his throat over the rich flavor of his first real meal in damn near twenty four hours.

Choking suddenly as he tried to swallow when Kirk mentioned Spock getting laid, Bones ended up draining his glass to wash all the food down his throat. “What? I don’t care how often or not the hobgoblin is getting laid. If you have issue with it I’d suggest taking it up with him or the lieutenant.” Not that he saw Kirk ever doing so.

Hating how hard it was to keep his moods in check at the moment, he shifted his burger to one hand and grabbed the bottle to refill his glass. A bit more booze was definitely welcome at the moment. “I really don’t feel like just taking someone to bed for a night, Jim. Not my kinda thing.” He couldn’t help the distaste in his voice, not even realizing that it could be taken as an insult by the other man. After all, it was his own morals and the like and he wasn’t judging Kirk. Just himself.

Jim raised an eyebrow when Bones started to choke on his own food. He’d said it to get a reaction, but he hadn’t expected it to be /quite/ that bad. He topped up Bones’ glass for him as he chewed thoughtfully.

“I wasn’t suggesting a one-night-stand, Bones. I meant finding someone to settle down with. Date properly. Intentions of marriage. All that shit that grown up people do,” Jim said with a shrug. Part of him felt hollow as he said the words, because really, it was something he wanted too but was just… too afraid to go for. No one he’d ever wanted to be around that badly had ever stuck around long enough for him to pop the question and he had given up getting serious a long time ago.

“You’re not telling me you haven’t thought about it or that you intend to remain celibate the rest of your life?”

“No one wants to settle down with me. Accepted that a while ago.” Bones had mostly accepted that his loyalty to friends would always drive people away years before. Now, he was simply aware that the only person that he desired anymore definitely desired him. 

Shrugging slightly at Jim’s question, he took another swig of his brandy before eating a little more. Finally finding the courage to say something, he swallowed the bite he had in his mouth before looking down at his plate. He couldn’t say what he wanted to, but he could at least say something.

“May not have a choice. I’m not gonna go for a one-night stand and...” Trailing off, he shook his head. “Plain and simply, ain’t no one who wants me. Don’t matter whether I wanna be getting laid or not. I can’t do just a sexual relationship. So I guess it’ll be me and my books til something kills me.” He really doubted natural death would happen for him. Too likely for it to be someone shooting the enterprise or a hull breach or some other terrifying space thing.

Jim stared at the other. It was like Bones didn’t even want to try, like he’d just accepted his lot in life and was going to see through a lonely life to the bitter end. Jim wouldn’t accept it. Not for his friend. He wanted to see Bones happy. He wanted to be able to see a smile on his face that actually met his eyes for a change. He wanted… Jim realized how selfish that thought process was. All /him, him, him/ and not really about Bones at all.

“You can’t be serious Bones. I mean, even /I/ know that eventually there’s someone who is going to get their claws into me and not let go. To be honest, I’m kind of looking forward to it. A new challenge, shake things up a bit,” he said, pushing his food away. He’d made a decent stab at it, but he’d lost his appetite for it. He reached for the brandy bottle and topped up his glass.

“You’re not telling me that you don’t want to be loved by someone? That you don’t want that for yourself? I mean, what’s holding you back? It’s not like we wouldn’t all have your back helping you through the dating game to make sure you didn’t fuck it up.”

“Why can’t I be serious? I’m smart enough to realize that if people ignore me unless they absolutely have to deal with me that they’re not interested in me. Besides, it’s not like I’m just attracted to every blond with a cute ass and a nice smile alright?” Well fuck. Yes, he had just described the man sitting across from him. Which had him praying to God that Kirk could stay oblivious to what he’d just meant. Maybe he’d just assume Jocelyn was who he was talking about.

Bones shook his head and drained his glass again, glad to feel the heat starting to build in him from the alcohol. It was a familiar, and sadly comforting, sensation. “What’s holding me back it knowing that the only person who’s caught my eye in the last several years is someone I can’t have. They’re not really available to someone like me. I figure I can be happy being loved by my little girl and the couple friends that I have.”

He really shouldn’t have said a damn thing about what was keeping him from going after anyone, but it had just fallen out and he had no way to take it back. To make it seem like he didn’t mean it. Grabbing the ordering console, he tapped out another order for a couple more Sunspots. He could really use the liquid courage right now.

Jim wanted to take Bones by the shoulders and shake him. He hadn’t even known that his friend was in love with anyone. Maybe it was his ex-wife, but it didn’t sound like it. Jim had known McCoy for years and it sounded like the person who had caught his eye had been around during that time…

There were few people that fit the bill. The only blonde that Jim could think of was Carol Marcus and Bones hadn’t really… chased her or anything. They just didn’t have that kind of chemistry.

“So you’ve got your eye on someone. Why don’t you just tell them? I mean, what’s the worst that could happen? You get turned down? Better to get turned down and move on than to lug around massive amounts of emotional baggage your whole life,” Jim pointed out, aware that he was more than a little tipsy now and that his advice might not be completely sound.  
“And maybe they’ve been waiting for you to say something, Bones? Did you ever think that?”

Nodding his thanks to the waiter that brought him the three Sunspots he’d ordered, he knocked them back once after the other. The burst of heat in his chest that spread through his body had him taking in a couple breaths quickly to keep from pushing a hand to his chest. Yup, too damn long since he’d had that kind of alcohol content.

“Tell them? The worst thing?” Halfway parroting Kirk, Bones scoffed sharply and shook his head. “Yeah, get turned down and told that there’s something wrong in my head again.” He’d dealt with being told that there was something wrong with him because he wasn’t attracted to only women before. Couldn’t avoid it being in Georgia, but he didn’t know he could handle it from the blond across from him. “Not to mention someone that I care a hell of a lot about. My friendship with them is worth a damn lot more to me than getting my wick wet.”

Shaking his head again as he imagined the one he wanted waiting for him to make a move, he gave a wry chuckle. “Yeah, doubt that one.”

“So this is one of those, ‘I’m so noble I won’t fuck up a friendship’ things,” Jim replied, taking another sip of brandy and not even tasting it anymore. “Well, fuck them. If they can’t handle that kind of thing maturely, they aren’t worth your friendship or your affection Bones!”  
Jim couldn’t believe that Bones was actually concerned about this kind of thing. He knew that the other kept his friends closer than most, but still.

“Holding onto emotions like that underneath is just going to turn your friendship ugly anyway. Better the other person knows and you can deal with it rather than it festering away inside you until it explodes at the worst moment,” Jim pointed out, knowing what that could be like himself.

And really, what did Bones have to worry about. Jim would always be there for him anyway.

Listening to Jim, Bones stared down at his lap, glad that it kept the blond just barely in his peripheral so he didn’t have to really focus on him. How could he just dismiss the way someone else’s feelings? Sometimes emotions weren’t ‘mature’, he’d learned that quite a while ago. There were several emotions that could be triggered that certainly didn’t have one acting real mature.

Wondering just how right Jim might be regarding the friendship turning bad, he found himself thinking about the night before. The way he’d been unable to tell the man the whole truth about why he’d been drinking and thus upset him. Maybe it was better to get this over with then. Twisting in his seat to look at Jim, he took a deep breath trying to figure out how to say this to the man.

However, apparently the Jovian Sunspots hadn’t been a good idea as they’d been just enough to make him tipsy. Which lead to him leaning forward and grabbing the blond’s shirt yanking him forward and into a hard, needy, kiss.

One second Jim was reaching to snag a fry, the second he was being pulled over the table. At first he thought Bones was going to hit him for being such an opinionated little prick and he grimaced against what he assumed was going to be an oncoming blow.

What happened instead was a hard press of lips to his that sent a shock through his entire system. He froze, half dragged across the table, his brain refusing to acknowledge what was happening.

/Bones…. Shit! What?/

Jim didn’t even know what he was doing until his hands had settled on Bones’ shoulders, pushing him away with wide eyes. He knew he had to say something, quickly.

If there was ever a time to be tongue-tied, this wasn’t it. He needed to reassure the other man that it was okay, he needed time to think about it, needed time to see if his own feelings might turn that way. Needed time for it to sink in that… holy shit, there was someone amazing who actually wanted him.

All that came out was:

“Bones, I…”

The pushing at his shoulders had Bones immediately releasing him and dropping back against the back of the booth. Eyes downcast, the doctor gave a wry smile. “And now you know why I didn’t say a damned thing.” 

Sliding out of the booth, he headed out of the bar. Walking along the waterside, not bothering to twist to avoid other people and making them instead avoid him, he just forced his head to clear as he walked. Or at least tried to. 

Instead the words echoed in his head. The ones from when he was fifteen. When he’d told the pastor that he liked one of the other boys in his school.

/“It’s disgusting! A sin! You’re going to burn in Hell! Unnatural. How could you be so disgusting?”/

Jim was on his feet and trying to follow immediately. “Bones! Bones wait goddamnit!” He overbalanced as he tried to shimmy out of the booth, his weakened legs buckling as they let it be known that he was trying to move too fast with way too much alcohol in him. He grabbed the table for temporary support, moving as fast as he could out of the bar. Bones had disappeared already though. Jim stood outside, panting for a moment before his hands clenched into fists. “Motherfucker!” He spat, desperately searching for McCoy. Seemed like he’d completely run away. Exhausted and worried, Jim got into a hovercar and instructed the driver to take him home. Maybe Bones was there and they could talk about it like rational human beings, but he doubted it somewhat.

It was a handful of hours later when the apartment intercom went off, a feminine voice hesitantly asking, “Does L..le..Shit...” Another feminine voice muttered something not quite audible through the speakers before the first continued. “Ah, right, thanks, Leonard. Does Leonard live here?” Waiting only long enough for a positive response, she added, “Great, you wanna come get your friend then?”

Releasing the intercom button, she shifted her hold on Leonard, glad that her friend and she had been there. Luckily both were part of Starfleet security. Neither were stationed on the Enterprise, and thus didn’t know who he was, but had recently graduated. Now they just had to hold the man up until his friend got down to them.

Jim had been home a few hours and had continued drinking for most of them, the TV on in the background with the sound turned low. He had just closed his eyes, giving up that McCoy was coming home, when he heard the intercom go.

He felt his heart go to his mouth, an adrenaline course through him that he associated more with life and death situations than dealing with something like this. He rushed out of the apartment, barely remembering to flick the catch on the door, and pushed the button in the lift.

When he finally got outside and saw the shape of Bones draped over some woman, he felt everything crystallize into anger, razor sharp and burning in his chest. Of course, Bones had run away. Of course Bones didn’t trust him to deal with this properly and actually talk it through. Of course Bones had just dumped everything on him and run off.

“Thanks, I’ll take him from here,” Jim said and even he could tell that his voice was cold and hard. His Captain’s voice.

Groaning softly, stirring just a bit at the sound of his Captain’s voice, Bones lifted his head and just barely managed to look at the blond before his head dropped again. Perhaps he should have watched where he was going and not wandered into that particular area of town. But that couldn’t be helped now. Nor could the fact his shirt was likely ruined thanks to the blood on the upper chest and on his sleeve. 

Stumbling a bit, only barely conscious, the doctor let himself be draped against Jim instead. The women who’d quite possibly saved his life, the bruising on his neck saying that was a very likely scenario, smiled a bit at Kirk and dipped their heads recognizing who he was. However the one who’d spoken through the intercom thought a bit of a description was necessary.

“We’re sorry, he ended up going into one of the alley bars. We found him with a good half dozen men trying to pound him into the dirt. Hopefully you can help him.” All she and her friend had done was stuff napkins up his nose and dig out his identicard to figure out where he lived. And luckily he’d told them his name before pretty much passing out.

Jim took Bones’ weight against his own, hoping to god that he didn’t fall over as well. He waited for them to leave, before he turned to take them back inside. He kept his mouth firmly shut, his mouth pressed into a tight, thin line. He wanted nothing more than to wrap his hands around Bones’ neck and finish what had been started right now, but he knew that was just worry and tiredness and being overwrought with just… everything that had happened.

He got them out of the lift and into the apartment before he dumped McCoy on the couch and stood there for a moment, panting and looking at him. He looked bad but Jim had no medical training to be able to patch him up properly.

“You dumb fuck.”

/Eloquent./

A grunt of pain slipped from McCoy as he hit the couch, his head smacking against the arm rather firmly. Which at least served to wake him up bit. Grimacing as he sat up, the doctor tried to say something only to gasp and cough a couple times. Yeah, he could have been happy with his saviors being there a little earlier.

“‘M sorry.” Voice barely more than a gruff whisper, his throat burning as he tried to talk, McCoy lifted his hand to his neck out of instinct.

God he hurt all over. And the struggle to breathe meant that it was at least a couple cracked, if not broken, ribs. Seemed that everything would be fine to heal on it’s own and didn’t require a trip to the hospital. He really didn’t fancy everyone seeing him all banged up like this. Seemed he’d probably be hermitting for the next week or so unless he had to out.

“You absolute fucking idiot! What did you think you were doing?! Taking off? Running to a dodgy end of town? Getting your ass handed to you?!” Jim realised he was shouting and snapped his mouth shut. He didn’t want the neighbours coming round and complaining. He wasn’t sure he’d be able to keep civil.

“And to think I was actually worried about you, sitting here waiting up like some goddamn idiot and you’re just out getting smashed and starting fights at some other bar!” Jim’s voice was a low hiss now, his fists clenched so hard against his sides that his nails had broken the skin. He didn’t care.

He knew that this wasn’t helping anything, that venting like this was probably counterproductive to getting Bones to talk to him about tonight, but right now he just needed the release valve on his worry.

Jim Kirk was not a worrier and the fact that Bones had made him into one, even if briefly, was affecting him more than he wanted to admit.

“Was...” Massaging his throat lightly, the doctor swallowed thickly, wincing before trying again. “Was walking...didn’t realize where...” It hurt to talk so badly and his mind supplied the facts of the muscles being overtaxed from trying to work while unable and the esophagus being dry as one didn’t tend to create any extra saliva whilst being strangled. Not that it helped with the pain any.

Trying to stand, the McCoy weaved quite badly before flopping back to the couch. Trying again, he managed to gain his feet and stumble to the kitchen for a glass of water. He should have kept a tighter grip on his memories. Kept them in the background…

However just thinking of what it was that lead to him just walking brought it all back again. The words echoing in his mind again had him curling forward against the counter with a dry heaving sob. Damnit, he couldn’t break down. Not over this. Not again.

Jim watched Bones make his way to the kitchen and was about to storm into his own room and just give up for the night when he heard the sob. He froze, his anger melting away. He made his way to the kitchen and saw Bones over the counter, curled over himself and looking like he really didn’t want to lose it but was doing it anyway.

Jim didn’t think about his own reactions, because it would be stupid to analyse them anyway as he was going to be doing plenty of that over the next few days. He moved forward, his arms immediately going around the back of his friend.

“It’s alright, Bones,” he found himself saying. “Really. I… I shouldn’t have shouted at you. I was worried. Come on, lets sit down somewhere…” He could feel the warmth of McCoy’s body down his chest and he realised that he was going to be forever hyperaware of things like that now, even if they never did… even if they weren’t.

Shit, Jim didn’t even know what he wanted right now.

Trembling a bit as he pressed his head down against the counter with another of the rough sobs, Bones tried to make the voices in his head shut up. He knew they weren’t being said again, knew that Kirk hadn’t said anything, quite literally, but he was just too used to being hated for his attraction to both genders. Even if, other than a short relationship with a ranch hand that involved nothing more that getting each other off with hands and mouths, he’d never done anything with a male. He’d learned his lesson at fifteen. Learned to admit only to his fancying of women.

Stiffening when Kirk draped over his back and wrapped his arms about him, the doctor gave a broken gasp. After being so sure that the other had rejected him, he didn’t know how to respond to the blond curling around him like this. His trembling increased and he fought the urge to turn around and return the embrace. He so badly wanted to be able to turn and kiss the man. Sadly he knew it wouldn’t be accepted. And at the moment he couldn’t handle the rejection again. Instead he gave a shaky nod.

“N..need water first.” The words were shaking as bad as his body but he couldn’t keep himself quiet and expect Jim to leave him be.

Jim nodded and moved back a little, his hand lingering on Bones’ shoulder. “That’s fine Bones,” he said, and really, he kind of meant everything was. That Bones didn’t need to beat himself up about it at all, that there were things Jim Kirk wasn’t about to go nutso over.  
He let his hand drop away and grabbed a glass. “Let me help,” he said, swilling the glass in the sink before filling it pretty full. He set it down on the counter beside the other.

Releasing another sob, this one softer than the last, when Jim released him, Bones was surprised by the fact Jim’s hand stayed on his shoulder. He didn’t know how to handle the fact the blond had shoved him away and yet was still willing to touch him. It wasn’t supposed to work that way. Kirk was supposed to be completely disgusted with him and hate him... Wasn’t he?

Head lifting just enough so he could turn it and look at the blond, the doctor didn’t know what he was expected to do. Though that didn’t stop him from grabbing the glass the moment it was set down and taking a mouthful. Honestly the hardest part about getting a drink right now was the decision to either swallow, which would be painful, or just let the water trickle down his throat with a tilt of his head. Finally he gave up and just swallowed the liquid, wincing at the burn of the muscles.

“You wanted...” Pausing to take another sip, Bones forced himself to hesitantly meet Kirk’s gaze, unable to hide the fear that he so hated in his eyes. He was just too damned used to the idea of being attracted to men being a reason to be hurt and ridiculed. Hated even if it was the man to whom he was attracted. “To talk?”

Jim let it all sink in. Bones was looking at him the way he looked at space flight, like he was something that was about to explode in a thousand different ways and obliterate them both. Jim could understand a little why someone might feel that way about him.

He could only imagine what it must have been like for Bones over the last few weeks.  
“Yeah I do. I want to know what we’re going to do about what happened tonight,” he said, trying to keep his voice steady, without judgement or pressure.

He had a few of his own ideas, of course. His own feelings were still difficult to put into words, but somewhere in his mind something had definitely ticked over.

Jim Kirk was a sexual creature, but he also knew enough about people not to push them if they honestly didn’t want it. He’d always acknowledged Bones was a good looking guy, attractive in that gruff kind of way, but he’d been so firmly out of bounds in Jim’s mind, that he’d never really thought of him in that way. Now however, he felt he was allowed to?  
“And I’m really pissed at you for running off earlier by the way. That was a dick move right there.”

Sipping at his water and massaging his throat lightly with his free hand, Bones gave a light shrug. “Jus’ ferget it?” Anything that Kirk wanted to do was acceptable. If he was lucky it wouldn’t lead to him being knocked around any worse than he already had been that night. It’d been hell enough stumbling into the wrong bar and making the wrong comment.

He didn’t know what to do at the moment. What he wanted to do would be completely stupid to even attempt. He wanted to just grab the blond and pull him close. To kiss him until he had to pull back to breath. Wanted to feel the powerful man’s body against his own. And yet, it was impossible with his desire to not be any worse injured than he were.

“An’ wha’ was I s’posed ta do?” Taking another drink of his water, McCoy couldn’t help the look of fear in his eyes. He wasn’t particularly comfortable being between a counter and someone that could quite likely be trying to kick his ass in a minute. Well aware of just what could be expected when one’s affections weren’t returned, the doctor couldn’t help the way he tensed up as he watched the Captain.

Why was Bones looking at him that way? Jim took a few seconds to realise that Bones had the look in his eye of a man cornered. Did he think? Surely not… Jim wouldn’t…

“You were supposed to talk to me Bones, like I’d been your friend for as many years as we have been. You were supposed to /trust me/,” Jim replied, his eyes never leaving Bones’ face.

“If you want to forget it, pretend it never happened, then yeah, sure, I can do that. You won’t be the first person I’ve played that game with,” Jim said, and now he could feel the bitterness creeping into his voice. “But that’s not really what you want and it’s a no-win for both of us in the end.”

In his mind a plan was forming, though it was sketchy. He hoped that Bones would agree to it, rather than just try to ignore that there was anything between them. Jim wasn’t sure he could live like that, feeling guilt every time he was in the same room as McCoy essentially just because he’d had a stupid reaction to a drunken kiss.

The doctor released a sharp scoff, which was quickly followed by a gasp of pain, McCoy ended up closing his eyes for a second against the pain as he was quite quickly remembered that he’d been half way strangled that night. “I’ve heard every insult that could possibly be said. Don’t make me sit through them again.” He hated admitting such outloud, but it was the truth. He’d heard every foul phrase whilst but a teen in Georgia. A repeat was quite unnecessary.

Eyes snapping open in confusion over Jim’s words, he tilted his head to the side. “If not to forget, then what do you want?” If playing that nothing had happened wasn’t an acceptable outcome to Jim, was a ‘no-win’ situation, then what was he supposed to do? If he wasn’t allowed to pretend then…

No! He couldn’t even think about it. Taking another drink of water, Bones tried to convince himself that Jim couldn’t mean what it sounded like. It nearly sounded as if he could maybe have the blond. To be able to feel his lips against his own, to have him... No. He couldn’t think such things.

Head dropping forward, he took a shaky breath as he tried to fight off another sob. Damnit, he wasn’t this weak. Hadn’t been in years.

“So you got called a faggot by some uneducated prick and you’re going to let that define you for the rest of your life?” Jim asked, his voice dripping with thinly veiled sarcasm. “Bones, I’ve had sex with men, women and people I’m not even sure /had/ a gender as we understand them. Did you really think I was going to judge you or give a fuck about any of that?”

Jim really wanted to shake Bones right now, but he didn’t. He needed to keep himself under control because otherwise he was certain he was going to end up doing something stupid and fuck this up even worse than it already was.

“I’m not going to suddenly confess my undying love for you, but I’m telling you right now, I’m not turning you down either. I’m not stupid enough to turn away something that could be this good when it just falls into my lap.”

That hadn’t quite been how he’d wanted to say it, and it had definitely sounded better in his head. He realised he’d made it sound like Bones was just going to be another notch on his bedpost and searched for a way to clarify.

“We’re good at being friends, I bet we’d be great at being lovers if we just took things slow enough to get used to the idea.”

A nearly jerking wince came from the doctor when the blond said the word ‘faggot’ before he realized that he was being stupid. He wasn’t in Georgia and he wasn’t a kid any longer. Blushing brightly and looking down, Bones took another sip of his water.

He and Jim had been friends for too damned long for the man to strike him for no reason. Surely a kiss wasn’t reason enough. Head jerking back up when the captain spoke of bedding those other than female in persuasion, he looked at the other in shock. Had he truly missed the other being open to men as well as women?

Could he truly have this? The words Kirk spoke seemed to say it could be. Licking his lips, trying to find the right words to say, he was silent for several long moments. Of course, he did understand the desire to take things slow, but he also didn’t know that he could. That he could make it knowing that Jim was open to having him as well. He was near certain that he would end up grabbing the other and kissing him until neither could breath. At the very least.

And then the last few words Jim had to say settled on his rather intoxicated and shaken brain. “Get used to it? Do not force yourself for something you do not want.”

Jim sighed, realising that Bones was going to pick apart his words to find some kind of rejection no matter how he said it. He ran a hand through his own hair and tried to keep the frustration off his face.

“I didn’t mean it like that and you know I didn’t. I meant that there’s a period of adaption between being friends and being more and that it’s tricky because you think you know each other well, but really, you don’t know how to be lovers at all,” Jim replied, letting his hand drop from the back of his head. “People have different expectations from someone they’re fucking and there’s always a need for adjustment beyond just the ‘we have sex now’ element.”

He hoped he’d explained it better, but really, he was tired and running off adrenaline right now. He could barely stay on his feet as it was but he knew it was important that Bones actually listened to what he was saying.

“I’m saying I want to do this Bones, and you’re trying to talk me out of it.”

He’d not really had much experience with the idea of adaptation since he and Jocelyn had started a relationship with the intent to sleep together at some point. As the intent had been there with the few he tried to date in the Academy. Sipping at his water, the doctor stayed silent, not sure what to say.

Though, when Jim said that he was trying to talk him out of it, Bones realized that the things that he’d been saying were in fact seeming to be such a thing. Honestly he’d just been afraid of the rejection, a part of him swearing it would happen because of his past. And yet, it wasn’t.

Dark eyes focused on Jim’s face and a hesitant smile curled the very corners of McCoy’s mouth as he gave a rather raspy, “Kiss me?”


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You have no idea what I’m going to do to you,” Jim promised, his voice low and husky against Bones’ ear.

Jim felt the tension leave him. He wasn’t sure that this issue was completely closed, but it at least meant that he could show Bones in other ways what he wanted.

He felt inexplicably nervous. This was the first conscious step in taking his CMO from friend to something more, and he didn’t want to fuck it up. He put his hands on the counter to either side of Bones’ hips and leaned in.

He hesitated, just for a second, looking into Bones’ eyes. After he’d made sure that the other wasn’t about to freak out on him, he closed the distance between them.

Unlike the last kiss, where it had been so unexpected that Jim had just felt shock, this time he could actually enjoy it. He let his lips ghost over Bones’, coaxing him into opening his mouth. The could feel his heart beginning to speed up in his chest and desire pulse through him as he pressed himself closer.

A little bit tense as Jim leaned in and placed his hands on the counter, McCoy licked his lips again, suddenly glad that he’d wiped the blood from his nose clean before the girls had drug him home. Seeing the hesitation in the blond, he was about to tell him to never mind when he finally made contact. The pressure of Jim’s lips against his own had him pressing forward against the other.

Letting his mouth fall open at Jim’s gentle urging, Bones nearly dropped his glass when he reached out to hold the other. Barely getting it onto the counter with a bit of an awkward twist of his shoulder, the doctor moved both arms under Jim’s to grip at the blond’s shoulder blades pulling him closer.

It had been so long since he’d been able to hold someone close and just kiss them. He’d given up back in the Academy and now... Now he had the person who’d haunted his dreams since shortly after he joined Starfleet. Clinging to the other, he gave a soft sigh as he responded to the kiss with a longing that he couldn’t hide.

Jim felt Bones pulling closer and went with it, his own body pressing against McCoy. He raised one hand from the counter, resting it on Bones’ hip and gently rubbing his thumb over the bone there.

He heard Bones’ sigh and it sounded so full of longing that Jim couldn’t help but smirk a little into the kiss, turning it a little harder, a little deeper, his tongue sliding along McCoy’s bottom lip briefly before he pulled away, burying his head in Bones’ neck.

“I really want to continue this, but my body is telling me I’ve been awake way too long on legs that aren’t even sure about taking my weight,” Jim mumbled, really, /really/ pissed off at being not 100% fit right now. “I think I need you to put me to bed Bones.”

Pleased by the way Kirk pressed against him, the doctor gave a soft, rather short, moan, barely managing to fight back the wince of pain from his abused throat. The thumb on his hip had him struggling to keep control over his body’s natural response to one pressed so tightly against him. Though when Jim deepened the kiss, he lost the hold on his desires and felt himself responding physically, hips shifting slightly.

Bones just barely managed to keep himself from grinding forward against the other and gave a soft almost whining sigh when the other broke the kiss. Head tilting to the side immediately when Jim pressed his face to his neck, the doctor gave a shaky nod at the other’s words.

“Yeah,” Taking in a deep breath to focus himself, the brunet gave a slow nod. “Yeah, okay, so um, bed.” Nodding again, he struggled to think with Jim still so damned close to him right now. “I’m not up to trying to figure out the mess that is your room. You’re gonna sleep in my bed.” Realizing how that could sound after his doctor side had already issues the words as pretty much an order, Bones flushed slightly. “I’ll sleep on the couch...”

Jim didn’t move, his eyes could see the blur of bruises on Bones’ neck and he didn’t really even think before he pressed a kiss against them, but in a sleepy, almost guilty way.

“Your bed is big enough for us both Bones,” he said against the other’s ear. “And whether your thoughts are virtuous or not, you honestly wouldn’t be able to start something with me tonight if you tried. I think I’m asleep already.”

He knew it was probably a mistake to sleep in the same bed together, but he didn’t much like the idea of sleeping in bed alone. He hoped that being next to another human being might keep the nightmares at bay at least a little.

The sensation of the blond’s lips against the bruised skin, which he was aware of from the ache that even such a light touch caused, had Bones shifting his hold to just keeping his arms wrapped around the other. He’d wanted to hold the man for so long that it was almost as if he were in yet another dream as he all but clung to Jim.

Eyes closing and a shudder running through him, the only thing that kept his soft moan in check was the pain when his throat started to tighten to form the sound at the words breathed into his ear. “Don’t wanna make ya uncomfortable.” That was his only worry as he knew that he did have a habit of turning into an octopus in his sleep. Tended to cling like no other. He wouldn’t try to push Jim into doing anything with him that he didn’t want to.

Pushing himself forward, he used his hold on the other to balance him. “Come on then. Let’s get you in bed.” Working to slowly lead the blond towards his room, Bones refused to let go of the other, keeping an arm around his waist.

Jim let himself lean on Bones, secretly quite glad to have someone willing to hold him up because he wasn’t sure he could do it himself now that the tension was leaking out of him. He looked at the other out of the corner of his eye.

There was a lot left to discuss, of course, but he felt that it could wait. All of it could wait and if they took things slow enough, well, maybe Jim wouldn’t have to admit he had some massive hang ups about how this might go. Bones was most likely after a relationship and Jim was terrified by the mere thought, and yet it terrified him more to pass up the chance.

He didn’t want Bones to be another notch on his bedpost, but at the same time, he didn’t really know how to be someone’s long term lover either.

He was glad when they got into Bones’ room and he sank down onto the bed, pulling off his shirt immediately. “I’m not going to be uncomfortable Bones. Something tells me that you’re probably going to be making a bigger deal out of this than I am.”

That was a fucking lie. Jim Kirk didn’t sleep in the beds of other people.

Glad that Jim seemed to be alright with this, McCoy smiled just a bit as he helped Kirk get comfortable. Moving to the burrow and digging out a couple pairs of comfy pajama pants, the doctor threw one set on the bed for the blond before moving to the bathroom to relieve himself and change.

Returning to the bedroom again, he moved to sit on his own side of the bed. Wondering if he could manage to stay on his own side of the bed, and doubting it, he stretched out. Pulling the covers over himself, he found himself rubbing at his neck again lightly. Not an experience he’d had before, even though he knew the effects after his years as a doctor, and one he really didn’t want to go through again. Still hurt like a son of a bitch.

“Jus’ sleep. I’ll be up reading for a bit.” Snagging his book with one hand, he realized that his voice wasn’t loud enough for the computer to register when he tried to command the lights to dim. Sighing softly, he shrugged and opened his book to let Jim sleep while getting his own head to settle before he tried to do so himself. After all, his brain was still going through a ‘is this really happening?’ to ‘this is impossible and you need to stop dreaming’ argument.

Jim pulled the pajamas onto his legs and crawled into the bed, making a soft noise when McCoy said he was going to be up reading. He glanced at the clock. Was it really only 1AM? He closed his eyes as he drew the covers against himself.

Though he started on his back, he soon automatically shifted onto his side, facing away from Bones and clutching the corner of the covers against himself like a safety blanket. He drifted in and out of a light doze, unable to really fall asleep while the lights were on fully.

Enjoying himself as he read, McCoy found himself fighting a habit that he’d thought would have been long gone by now. He had the urge to reach out and run his hand through Kirk’s hair, or up and down his back or arm. Apparently he wasn’t so past habits born of his years with Jocelyn as he’d thought.

The way Jim had curled onto his side and clung to his blanket had Bones wondering what had happened to the man to cause such a reaction. Almost an hour later, he was blinking sleepily at his book and rereading a paragraph for the fifth time. Shaking his head sharply once, he set the book on the bedside table and reached for the small PADD that was there to put in the manual command for the lights to shut off. That done, he sank down further into the blankets and yawned before giving into sleep.

However, it wasn’t long into his sleeping that his instincts took over and the man scooted closer to Jim. He’d always been cold if he wasn’t out in the hot Georgia sun, and when there was a second body in his bed he couldn’t help but seek it out. Curling up to Jim’s back, nose pressing lightly to the man’s back as his forehead rested against the captain’s neck, he sighed softly in his sleep, finally feeling a little better. Just a bit warmer already.

//The darkness was consuming him, inside and out. He struggled, trying to reach out but he couldn’t. He tried to turn but was restricted, prevented from moving. He was slipping. He could feel his nerve endings dying, could feel the pain as they gave up. He could feel the breath becoming tight in his lungs, as he forced them to work. He wanted to open his eyes, wanted to see, wanted there to be light amongst this terrifying, voracious darkness, but he couldn’t do it.

He could hear still, vaguely. Sounds of a scream of such abject pain that it hurt him deeply. It wasn’t his voice though. His voice had been taken from him already. Gone, washed deep, swallowed by the darkness with a hunger that made Jim terrified.

He felt a breath work from his lungs and when he tried to breathe again, his lungs did not fill. He began to feel light, his body weightless. He had been consumed. The darkness had taken him. It had left him with nothing.//

Jim’s eyes shot open and he gasped in a breath, drinking in the oxygen as his eyes searched the darkened room before him. It wasn’t his own it was… Bones’ room. Bones. Yes. He hadn’t died. He wasn’t in the hospital anymore. He was in Bones’ bed. Bones who had admitted attraction to him the night before.

He stiffened when he realised the reason he’d been unable to move was because the other was curled against his back. He turned slightly, seeing the outline of Bones’ body curled up against him.

For a few moments he lay there, calming his breathing, before he realised sleep would not come back. He gently slipped out of the bed, trying not to disturb the other.

Too tired to be aware of Jim’s nightmare, sleeping quite deeply as he held the man, Bones stayed unconscious. He’d not slept so deeply since he had taken some sedatives to knock himself down the last time he’d had leave. Though when his bed partner left, it changed his ability to sleep.

Stirring with a soft murmur when patting the bed didn’t bring him back into contact with Jim, Bones pushed himself up with one arm to look around. Blinking rather sleepily, he gave a soft, husky call. “Darlin’? Where ‘re ya?”

When he didn’t receive a response the doctor made himself roll out of bed and stumble out towards the living room. Taking a deep breath to steady himself against the oncoming pain, he managed to give a call in his normal tone, though it feel like a scream to him. “Darlin’?”

Jim padded out of the kitchen, a glass of water in his hand and his eyebrow quirked upwards. He’d heard Bones calling and figured the other would probably go back to bed, but then he’d heard the door go.

“‘Darlin’? Really?” Jim asked, sipping the water and leaning against the door frame as he did so. In truth, the thought that Bones had woken just from him not being there scared him a little. Was Bones’ affection for him that deep already? What if he screwed all this up? Like he always did?

“I’ve been called a lot of things before, but ‘Darlin’ has never been one of them.”

Rubbing at an eye when the fuzziness of his vision refused to clear, Bones smiled a bit when he heard the other man’s voice. Grimacing at the odd taste in his mouth, he moved further into the room for a glass of water as well.

“Sorry.” Speech just a bit slurred, the doctor almost dropped his glass as he pulled it from the cupboard thanks to still being half asleep. “Didn’ mean ta insult ya.”

Sipping at his water again, he found that he really wished that he could just get over the bruising on his neck. Of course, he also worried that he’d upset Jim now. Mainly because he’d not meant to use the nickname. It was just a term he’d used for years. Started back when they had a sweet Irish Setter and she responded better to that then her name. 

“Nah it’s cool. I don’t get given pet names usually…” Jim supposed a few people’s insistence in calling him ‘captain’ in the bedroom didn’t really count. And in a way, Bones’ voice sounded rather sexy as it drawled out that word.

He put his own glass of water down on the counter and walked behind Bones, leaning his hip against the side well inside the other’s personal space.

“You should probably go back to bed,” he said, glancing at the clock on the wall that was registering 4AM in glowing letters.

Relief washed through the doctor at Jim’s words. At least he hadn’t offended the blond before they really had a chance to take their relationship anywhere. Though maybe it would be better if that was when he pissed off the man. Then he wouldn’t have to deal with having someone walk out on him again.

Shifting a bit when the blond moved in closer, Bones smiled slightly as he got them just barely touching. He’d always been one who thrived more on touch than anything else. Yes, sex was good, but most of his touching wasn’t with it in mind. Mainly he just wanted a physical connection with his partner. It was something he’d struggled with as his last attempt at dating had been with a woman who was convinced that men only touched someone if they wanted sex and had been angry with him over it.

“Ya ‘onna come with me?” Voice still slightly slurred, Bones doubted that he could sleep without the other there next to him right now. Or if he did it would be the fitful twenty minute snoozes he normally got.

Jim hesitated. He could go back to bed but he wasn’t sure that he’d manage to sleep, and even if he did, he’d probably just have another nightmare. He tried to hide his indecisiveness by taking a sip of water.

“I was going to reply to some of my messages to be honest. I dread to think about the state of my inbox.”

And it wasn’t a lie, but wasn’t the whole truth and it was the best he could do without admitting to Bones about his nightmares. He’d felt stripped raw enough recently, without having to have that heart-to-heart at ridiculous o’clock in the morning.

“You head back to bed Bones. I’ll probably slip back in for a few hours later.”

While he knew that Spock had gotten most messages from Jim’s inbox forwarded to him, at least if they were Starfleet related thanks to a chat with the Fleet Admiral, McCoy figured that the blond didn’t know that. Besides, any private messages would have been exempt from the forwarding program and thus still in the inbox. Smiling a bit, the doctor took another drink of his water.

“I’ll sit with you.” It was something he enjoyed quite a bit. Didn’t have to be talking involved at all really. He just liked to sit with someone and be able to touch them, just sit there and be with them. It was something that had annoyed partners in the past, and he hoped Jim wouldn’t mind.

Of course, he nearly didn’t set his jaw in time to hide his yawn. However, it did mean that his throat hurt like hell thanks to the muscles tightening like hell. Taking another drink of water, he offered a bit of a sleepy smile. “Living room?”

Jim opened his mouth to protest, but let it close again. It wasn’t like Bones wouldn’t know what to expect from his messages, and Jim couldn’t really turn down the company. He leaned forward, pressing a kiss against Bones’ temple before ducking out of the room to go get his PADD.

He found it in his room, hidden beneath a small mountain of clothes. He grabbed it, wandering back into the living room and sitting on the couch, tucking his feet up as he opened his inbox.

It wasn’t until Kirk kissed the side of his head that the doctor realized just how attention starved he was at the moment. Or at least touch starved. The way his chest tightened for just a moment and he wanted so badly to cling to the other forced him to face that maybe having given up on a relationship a couple years before might have been a bad plan.

Refilling his glass of water and fetching his PADD from the bedroom, he moved to the living room even as he tapped a couple times at the digital device to bring up a book. Dropping onto the opposite side of the couch, he curled his legs to the side so that the tops of his feet just barely rested against the other’s ankles. It was such a small amount of touch to some, but to him it was perfect for the moment. Perhaps further into their relationship he’d be welcomed leaning against Jim or holding him close while they sat doing their own things, but for now, this was enough.

Jim barely registered Bones’ feet resting against him. He had a few dozen messages. None from Starfleet, so Jim guessed those were being skimmed from his account while he was out of action. He scrolled down slowly, deleting spam and messages from journalists who wanted to interview him.

His finger paused over one message though, his eyes drawn to the name. It was an audio message, left three days ago. The title read /‘They won’t let me see you’/ and Jim felt his heart thump hard against his chest as he opened it. A feminine voice streamed through the speakers.

“James, honey. The press reported that you’d woken up, but Starfleet won’t let me in. Apparently I’m not registered as your emergency contact anymore. You know, after all these years, you’d think you’d probably inform me if you were going to get married or something, Jim. Though it hasn’t been on the news so I do have to wonder who /is/ your emergency contact now. Ah, I’m rambling. You better call me, you stupid ass, or I’m going to march up to that fancy apartment and knock the door down.”

Jim stared at the PADD in his hands for a moment, seeming completely shell shocked.

Looking down at his own PADD, skim reading the book since it was one he’d read several times in the past, Bones tensed a bit at the sudden voice. Normally he had his PADD set up to translate from an audio file to text files so that he didn’t have to worry about who might overhear. Which meant he wasn’t quite prepared to have someone talking.

Head turning to look at Jim, the doctor was about to ask who it was when he saw the look on the other’s face. Shifting immediately, setting his PADD behind his back as he scooted closer to the blond, knees bent against his chest by the time he stopped moving, the brunet hesitated at reaching out to touch him. Some people relaxed with touch, but other’s got worse when it came to any more of PTSD, and he had no idea which way Jim went. Had never seen him like this.

“Darlin’?”

Jim looked up, seeing Bones had moved closer to him. He shifted uncomfortably and rubbed the back of his neck. He lowered his PADD onto the arm of the chair.

“I’m alright,” he said, eyes darting back to the screen. “I just… I wasn’t expecting her to contact me. I wasn’t… She hasn’t…. I thought she’d forgotten all about me.”

Jim realised he hadn’t really explained who she was or what she was, but when he opened his mouth to try, he found himself unsure of what to say.

/Oh yeah you know how my whole family are dead and you’re registered as my primary contact with Starfleet? Well yeah, that’s my case worker who used to take me for ice cream while I got booted from foster home to foster home. And we were in touch right up until I joined Starfleet and we had a massive argument about it and hadn’t spoken for nearly four years…/

Nodding slowly, Bones wished he better understood what Jim was talking about. Offering a hesitant smile, he moistened his lips with a quick flick of his tongue as he tried to figure out what to say. There was a part of him that wanted to demand to know who the hell she was.

But he knew that was never something that worked with Jim. So instead he just sat there and waited for an explanation. Shifting again so that he was sitting cross legged, one of his knees just barely touching the other’s leg, the doctor found himself wishing he knew what to do. 

For now, he’d sit and wait. It was all he could do. 

Jim wished that Bones had actually said something, perhaps changed the subject or something so that he wouldn’t have to explain. He could feel Bones looking at him though.

He hated talking about it. He hated talking about any of it. Oh, poor Jim Kirk the orphan boy. No. He was more than that. More than his parents made him by dying on him.

He knew he had to distract Bones though, otherwise he was going to have to open all these wounds and actually let the other in. Allow Bones access to information that Jim barely acknowledged himself.

He turned into the other, leaning so that he could rest his head on his shoulder. He tilted Bones’ head down, using the back of his hands, pressing a kiss to Bones’ mouth.

“I don’t want to check my mail anymore.”

While a part of him wanted to ask a direct question, ask who the woman was, Bones was silent instead. There were things in his past that were hard to talk about too. Things that he would rather keep to himself unless he /had/ to share.

At the kiss though, he gave a soft sigh and let his eyes close. Not exactly the most comfortable of positions for this, but it was nice all the same. After so long without this sort of affection, he wanted all that he could get from the other. Returning the kiss, his longing for the man in any capacity slipping into it, he moved one hand to rest lightly on Jim’s neck, thumb stroking the side of his neck.

“What do you want?” Voice somewhat shaky, Bones offered a real light smile as he revelled in the fact he was allowed to touch Jim.

Jim smiled and felt a shiver go through him at Bones’ light touch against his neck. Part of him thought about demanding sex, but the other part… Bones had revealed how much it cost him to admit to this and Jim didn’t want to push it too fast too soon. He let his eyes close.

“Well, I was hoping for perhaps some more kissing,” he said, blue eyes dancing. “Mm. And the stroking isn’t bad either.” He leaned his head to one side to allow better access.

Smiling a little broader, Bones moved slightly, dropping his shoulder to get a better angle at the other’s mouth. “I think that can be done.” The words had barely passed his lips before he was sliding their lips together once again.

A part of him wanted to ask for more, but he wasn’t sure if that was the side that wanted a physical connection or what he really wanted. Instead he continued to slide his thumb against the other’s neck as he kissed the man. Which was slightly awkward with how he had to lean, but at the moment he wasn’t sure whether moving would lead to more or less of the physical touching that he so badly craved right now. It really had been too long.

Jim leaned up into the kiss, thoughts of /oh my god how am I going to face her/ slipping from his mind as he enjoyed the simple contact. It had always been an escape for him, to do this kind of thing, though usually he was less about the kissing and more about what happened after.

He hadn’t really known what to expect, kissing Bones. Up until a few hours ago, it wouldn’t have even been something he seriously considered. Now though he felt something warm spreading through him, not frantic and burning like he usually felt, but more soft and calming. He made a small noise in the back of his throat as he moved closer, trying to correct the slightly odd angle they were at without breaking the kiss.

He let his hand trail from Bones’ face down his neck and shoulder, over the top of his arm until he found the man’s waist. He rested his hand there somewhat possessively.

Liking the way Jim responded to the kiss, Bones found himself smiling just a bit into it. Moving his hand to slide just the tips of his fingers from Jim’s jaw down to the cusp of his shoulder, the doctor gave a soft sound that resembled a light moan. He was so happy to be able to do this with the man, having resigned himself to just watching the blond.

Though at the way the captain struggled at trying to get closer, and the nearly possessive grip on his hip, the brunet shifted again. This time he managed to get one leg unbent enough to brace his foot on the floor. While Jim wasn’t as slight as Jocelyn had been, he thought he might have enough strength to still do it.

Using the foot on the ground along with moving his other arm around Jim’s torso, the doctor leaned back and pushed himself further up the couch. It ended up with Jim mostly sprawled across him. Though it meant that it wouldn’t be so hard for them to kiss and touch their hearts’ content.

Jim felt Bone’s arms wrap around him as he was pulled into position. He let out a small moan because /fuck/ they were touching so much more now. His hand immediately slid down Bones’ sides, fingers testing for ticklish spots or reactions as they mapped out the body beneath.

He wasn’t used to being out of control, with his most recent encounters having been with beings that had wanted ‘Captain Kirk’, but he could feel from the way that Bones was holding him that he wasn’t steering this anymore. He wasn’t panicked and perhaps he would have examined his feelings on that if it weren’t for Bones’ lips still moving against his own and his own body wanting to push and press against the other’s.

The doctor fought back the urge to roll his hips under the other. He didn’t want to make Jim uncomfortable with how fast he moving. But that didn’t mean he managed to keep in a soft moan as the other’s fingers grazed the skin just above his hips. Body tensed to keep himself still under the blond on the touch, he slid his own hand up the other’s back to see if there were any sensitive spots there on the blond.

While he’d not been trying to take control of anything, he’d needed to feel more of the other and to get the awkward bend of his neck gone. Thumb sliding lightly at the underside of Jim’s jawbone, the doctor let a little bit of his desire leak into their kiss alongside his longing. It’d been so long that, at the moment, he’d take anything Jim was willing to give him.

Jim shivered at the touch down his back, Bones’ fingertips skimming over spots that were exceptionally sensitive. He let out a shaky moan, feeling the kiss deepen as he did so. He shifted slightly and felt his hips press down against Bones’, feeling that they were both more than a little excited by this already. He broke the kiss, pulling back and looking down at the other.

“We really need to put space between us right now unless you want to end up with our first time together being you fucked into a couch.”

A low growl slipped from the doctor when the blond moved against him. Nipping at the other’s lip lightly, he lifted his head to try to follow Jim as he pulled back. At the same time, his hand tensed a bit against Jim’s back trying to keep the captain closer. Kirk’s words brought up some very nice imagery causing him to give another low sound of desire before he tried to figure out what to say. There was a part of him that wanted to just let the blond go ahead and keep going. However, another part was somewhat afraid.

Not out of worry that Jim would fuck him and leave but simply over the fact this was uncharted territory for him. Where they were at the moment was something Bones knew how to handle, something he’d done before, but continuing past this was going to be different. Yet he was also a bit embarrassed to say anything about his lack of experience when it came to men and thus smiled a bit at the blond as he said, “Kinda like where you’re at.” Which was very true as he loved the connection of having someone so close again. Not to mention the kisses. And still managed to keep from having to actually give a response to exactly what Jim had said.

Jim let out a small groan as Bones pulled him closer. He let his head drop forward, his lips against Bones’ ear. He guessed that was permission but goddamnit he wasn’t the sensible one and surely Bones should be trying to rein him in now or something?

“You have no idea what I’m going to do to you,” Jim promised, his voice low and husky against Bones’ ear. He lightly licked the lobe.

“And seriously Bones you’re going to beg me to do it. To feel my hands on your skin, on your cock. I bet you’ve imagined what it feels like, haven’t you?” Jim paused to grind his hips down. “Did you touch yourself thinking of me? Thinking of my hands and mouth wrapped around you?”

The lips against his ear drew a light shudder from the doctor. Moistening his lips with a quick flick of his tongue, he gave a soft moan at the other’s words. Though the soft moan changed to a low growl as Jim introduced his tongue to their play. Shuddering under the other again, he couldn’t help the way he slid both hands to Jim’s waist, fingers digging in against his skin just a bit.

Bones realized that he could quite easily picture himself begging this man for anything so long as he didn’t walk away. Breath hitching at Jim’s words, he was about to try to answer when the blond ground down against him. Giving a low groan, he shifted his own hips under the younger man. God it felt so good to have Jim pressed to him like this. Brain focusing on what Jim was saying, he couldn’t help the slight blush that took his cheeks as he was immediately thinking back on the times he’s jacked it to his captain. The times that he’d given in to his desires and just let himself feel the pleasure and picture the blond being the one to give it. Sure he’d felt bad after, but that didn’t stop him at the time. 

A soft breathy, “Yes...” slipped from his lips as he tried to roll his hips under the other.

“Fuck, that’s hot,” Jim hissed, feeling Bones roll up against him. His hands moved to the other’s hips and he let his hand move between them, sliding it over Bones clothed crotch before squeezing gently.

“I’m going to make you cum in your pants like a teenager, Bones. Going to make it so you can’t even fucking breathe without it turning into my name,” he panted. His hand still insistently stroking over the clothed hard flesh. “It’s going to be so much better than your fantasies.”

Jim moved his face away from Bones’ ear to look at his face, to take in the effect his words were having. How much would he have to push before Bones became completely undone?

Growling deeply, the sound rumbled in his chest and tightened the muscles in his throat drawing a wince from him as he was quite suddenly reminded that his neck had been rather badly bruised. The doctor didn’t even try to stop the sharp buck of his hips at the blond’s hand rubbing against him. The squeeze had him releasing a low moan as he drug his hands up Jim’s back, his body trembling lightly in want and need. His imagination hadn’t managed to come even close to just how good it felt to have this man pressed so tightly to his body.

Shuddering at Jim’s words, Bones licked his lips but a moment before words were tumbling from his mouth. “Y’ ulready ‘ave.” His accent had thickened in his need. Though, the words lead to a flush taking his cheeks. He’d really not meant to admit to that.

Breathing at a near pant, the doctor’s dark eyes were nearly black as he stared heatedly up at the blond. He wanted anything Jim had to offer him and would gladly take it all. Just wanted to keep the man close.

Jim smirked, seeing Bones’ eyes dilated so much with need. It was flattering and Jim couldn’t remember the last time a partner had looked at him like that, like every little thing he did to them made them want him more.

Hearing Bones’ voice, the Southern drawl even more pronounced did things to his desire he wasn’t even sure he could admit. He felt his own control start to slip as he growled, shoving his hand under the waistband of Bones’ pajamas and letting a finger trail up the heated flesh he found there. He licked his lips, finding his mouth suddenly dry.

“Never really thought that Georgia accents were hot before, Bones. But I bet its going to be really hot when you finally say my name as you beg for me to suck you off,” he slid his hand up and down Bones’ erection, the touch teasing and insubstantial. “Don’t pretend you don’t want to Bones. Beg me with that pretty mouth of yours.”

He’d never thought he could want Kirk more than he already had over the years, but having him so close, pushing against him, nearly doubled his craving for the blond. Bones couldn’t help the way he shifted and wriggled under the other. Licking his lips again at Jim’s words, he gave a low moan, glad that he’d actually gotten up the nerves to tell this man about his attraction. For once he’d not allowed his past to ride rough shot over what he really wanted and it’d ended up actually ending well.

Or at least seemed like it was going to. If the way Jim kept touching him was any indication of how the night was going to end. Another sound of desire slipped from the doctor at Jim’s growl. It’d been so long since he’d been close to another man intimately and the rich tones of a masculine voice had always got to him. The finger sliding along his cock had the brunet arching up slightly off the couch, a heavy snarl passing his lips. Even though it hurt his throat, he couldn’t fight it off, his need to please this man too much.

While he’d never been one to talk much during sex past the occasional soft request of his partner, he was more than willing to give voice to his pleasure. It was something he’d never been able to stop completely. The teasing touch was just too little for him to really enjoy. All it did was increase his desire. “Please...” Releasing the single word on a needy moan, he rolled his hips again, hands sliding down to pull at the blond’s hips as well wanting more.

“Since you asked so nicely,” Jim said, his voice low. He pulled down on Bones’ pajamas. He couldn’t get them /off/ in this position, but it didn’t really matter. He slid down Bones’ front, trailing wet, open-mouthed kisses as he did so.

When he reached Bones’ hips he spent particular attention kissing his hip bones, tracing over the indent with his tongue and teeth. Really, this kind of body had no place on a doctor, though Jim was certainly very happy the other looked after himself right then.

Turning his head slightly he brushed his lips over the head of Bones’ cock, mouthing softly and pressing kisses along the underneath before opening his mouth wide and swallowing him. It had been a while since Jim had done this, but he remembered a few tricks, his tongue sliding over the head to taste Bones.

Lips curling in a slight smile at Jim’s words, Bones was about to say more when the other pulled at his pants. The smooth material sliding along his length had him shivering and giving a low moan as he used the foot still resting on the ground to lift his hips slightly to let the captain slide the pants off his ass too. He was ready to move however he was directed when he realized that for the moment they were being left on his legs.

The kisses sliding down his chest had him sighing softly in desire as his hands moved to slide into the blond hair. Not to push or direct, that’d never grown to be a habit for him, but simply to card through the soft locks affectionately. The doctor had always been one to show affection to his partners, thrived more on the touch than the sex half the time.

A low moan slid from the brunet’s lips as the kisses slid along his hips. Though the introduction of teeth and tongue had him groaning, eyes falling shut for a moment and hands tightening in the thick blond hair for a couple seconds. Relaxing his hold on the other’s hair again, he pressed his head back against the couch with a low growl as Jim’s lips finally touched his cock. Back arching just a bit, he growled again as he was drawn into the other’s mouth. While it was a struggle, the doctor did manage to keep his hips still, not wanting to risk choking Jim.

Jim could feel Bones’ hands in his hair and shivered lightly, enjoying the slight possessiveness of the gesture. He drew back to lightly tongue the slit, tasting salt and smearing his lips with pre-cum before sliding his lips to the base in one slow movement. He didn’t usually deep throat anyone, disliking the sore throat that followed but he wanted to show off a bit.

He began to work out a rhythm, stopping only occasionally to use just his tongue or hands while he panted. His own body started to protest his own lack of touch and he could feel a dampness to the front of his boxers where his own cock was leaking. He tried to shove the thought from his mind, concentrating on Bones’ reactions, breathing and moans.

Jim drew back for a moment, using his hand instead of his mouth and looked up at Bones. “Fuck Bones. You look amazing right now.”

Gasping softly as the blond worked his cock, the doctor shuddered slightly as his hips twitched slightly before he managed to still them again. He was glad that Jim had been working on the tip of his length and not been taking him in at the time. Of course, he couldn’t stop the constant litany of soft sounds of pleasure and need that fell from his lips.

Bones fought to keep himself focused so that he wouldn’t lose it and push up under the other. The way the blond sucked him down completely had him groaning, hands tightening spasmodically in the lush locks. He was very careful to not let himself tug at the other, just ended up changing his grip in the younger man’s hair randomly.

Whining a bit when Jim lifted his head, the doctor couldn’t help the pale blush that took his features at the other’s words. He didn’t take compliments on his looks too easily. Or often. Watching the other, he couldn’t stop the way he released a soft pleading, “Jim...” Even though he wasn’t quite sure what he was asking for past the man touching him more.

Jim let out a soft moan when he heard Bones moan out his name. He forced himself to think beyond his own throbbing cock, brushing his lips against the tip softly.

“Jim what? What do you want me to do to you Bones? Tell me?” Jim squeezed the doctor’s dick with his hand, the other stroking down his thigh. He was getting rather drunk on the power Bones was letting him have. After being so bossy about everything else, Jim had expected it to run over into sex too, but it hadn’t. Not yet at least.

Shuddering at the soft brush of lips against his head, his cock twitching at the contact, the doctor gave a soft moan. God it’d been a long time. Which was testified to by how badly he wanted to cum already.

“Wan’ ya...E’erythin’...anythin’...” Bones wasn’t really sure what to ask for. At least not specifically. And he wasn’t sure he wanted to admit that he’d never done all that much with another man, wasn’t sure he could speak of it. All he knew was that for once he didn’t have to be the one making all the decisions. For one more time he could just let himself feel. Could be equal to and not dominate over. “What d’y wan’?”

/Free rein to do what I want? Shit Bones, are you trying to kill me?/

Jim made a small noise as he pretended to think about it. In truth he was beyond teasing now, his own need outweighing nearly everything else. Still at the back of his mind he knew that Bones was trusting him and that he’d already broken his own promise to himself to take things slow. Though he wanted nothing else than to spread the other’s legs and bury himself into Bones’ body, he realistically knew that taking things that far so soon wasn’t a particularly smart move even by Jim Kirk standards.

"I want to taste you I think. Feel you come completely undone over my tongue and lips. Watch you struggle to hold yourself back until you're fucking my mouth," Jim pressed a kiss against Bones’ hip as he tried to prevent his own voice from hitching with need. His hand continued to slide along Bones’ length.

Jim took Bones back into his mouth, looking up at the other’s face as he did so, not wanting to miss a single gasp or moan.

Watching his best friend, McCoy tried to figure if he could tell what was going on in Jim’s mind. At least for a moment before he realized that he really didn’t care. He wanted anything that the blond was willing to give. Of course, he wasn’t sure what to ask for anyways, never having been good at putting words to what he wanted.

Moaning at the other’s words, Bones carded his fingers through the lush hair with a bit of a smile. Even if he was a little worried about the last of what Jim had to say, he did want to feel the other’s mouth again. Wanted to feel and give pleasure to this man, the one who’d captured his heart years ago. Whether he’d admitted it to even himself until recently.

Head pressing back against the couch and moaning as he was taken back into Jim’s mouth, Bones couldn’t stop the way his hands tightened a bit, tugging just a bit at the blond’s hair. “God...” The word came out as a heavy growl as his hips twitched slightly.

Jim moaned, letting the vibrations run down Bones’ cock as he did so. He used his lips, teeth, tongue, hands, everything he could to try to make the other lose control. He knew that Bones was trying to hold back and wanted to drive him beyond that. Seeing Bones lose himself was something Jim hadn’t even been aware he wanted until now.

He sucked down hard, feeling the press of the head of the doctor’s cock at the back of his throat and ignoring the discomfort. He felt the reflex to swallow or pull back and pushed past it, using his tongue to stroke the underneath.

His throat ached from the sounds Jim’s ministrations drug from him, but at the moment the doctor couldn’t find it in him to care. Moaning as the other worked at his cock, a gentle tugging at Jim’s hair, Bones fought to keep his hips still. It was hell to keep himself still, didn’t want to hurt the other. Didn’t want to choke him. Of course, it was odd to just lay there and let someone pleasure him since normally he was the one pleasuring his partners. Always took the dominate side of things to make sure they were pleasured as much as they could be.

As he was taken in full by the other, Bones gave a low growl and his hips jerked once. Not a full out thrust, but more than the light twitches that he’d been allowing himself before. He hadn’t meant to, but staying still was just getting too hard. The pleasure mounting too high.

Jim didn’t flinch, just opened his mouth wider. He could feel saliva pooling in his mouth and knew he was probably making a bit of a mess of his chin. He dragged his nails lightly down Bones’ thighs, hoping to get the same reaction again as he continued to bob his head.

His own desire was almost ready to burst and he was sure that any minute now he was just going to have to reach down to take care of himself. Why did Bones have to look so goddamn sexy like this, eyes barely a ring of hazel around dilated pupils and that voice…

/Kirk you are 100% ruined for life after this. You better understand that now. No one is ever going to appreciate you going down on them this much ever again. Lap it up while you can./

The heat of Jim’s mouth was driving him crazy. Shuddering under the other, Bones tried to think, tried to figure out if he thought Jim was just chatting or if he really meant what he’d said. If he really wanted the brunet to let go and go ahead and move. Tightening his fingers just a bit, he gently tried to guide the blond to move along his length.

While he didn’t feel right thrusting under the other right now, if Jim wanted him to take control, he could at least try. Licking his lips but a scant moment before another moan slid from his mouth, the doctor couldn’t help the way his eyes clenched shut and his head pressed back against the couch. He was so close…

Gasping softly, he fought against his release for a couple moments. Though as it began to near an impossibility to do so, he gave a low moan and forced himself to form words. “Gonna....close...”

Jim’s eyes moved up to Bones’ face. He didn’t want to miss this. He wondered what Bones would look like as he came. Probably goddamn sexy. He could feel the other nervously thrusting up against him, the hands in his hair, and he didn’t care. It was so amazing to be wanted like this.

Jim pulled back a bit so he’d be able to swallow Bones’ cum better and let his tongue dance around the head, coaxing him to let go, that it was really ok.

A soft almost whine slipped from Bones as Jim pulled back, the sound caused by a sudden worry that the other was going to pull away completely to talk again. Though a heartbeat after the sound escaped he realized how stupid that fear had been. Instead there was more attention on the tip of his cock, causing him to arch his back slightly with a heavy moan.

Jaw tightening, lips parting just a bit to release the dark growl, hands tugging a bit at the other’s hair as he finally gave in. Hips jerking a couple times, the doctor’s body trembled slightly as the pleasure that’d attempted to black out his vision, sight barely a pin prick for a long moment. As he finally started to calm down from his release, the brunet tugged more firmly at Jim’s hair, trying to silently urge him back up. He wanted to kiss the man again. Not necessarily fond of his own taste, but it was a need to feel those soft lips against his own once more.

Jim felt the other spill into his mouth and let it sit on his tongue, tasting the other, before he swallowed. Bones looked incredible as he let go, his eyes dazed and glassy, his breath coming fast. Jim milked the other until he felt a tugging on his hair that made him wince slightly.

He crawled up Bones’ body, guessing what the other wanted. He pressed his lips to Bones’ softly, his hands coming up to support his weight.

He couldn’t help his hips from rubbing against Bones’ thigh a little, the friction feeling good against his oversensitive skin. He let out a small gasp against the other’s mouth.

A soft, pleased, moan fell from the doctor as he felt Jim press their lips together once more. Shifting his leg when he felt the other press against him, he attempted to draw more sounds than just the small gasp he’d already been given. “What do you want?”

As he spoke against the other’s mouth, he moved his hands. One dropped to the blond’s neck once more, thumb sliding over his jaw again, whilst the other slid between them to gently cup the other’s cock. “Tell me what to do.”

It’d always been the best way to learn to pleasure one’s partner as far as he was concerned. They knew how to please themselves and thus could direct you to every single hot spot to drive them insane in pleasure. Which kept the embarrassment of making a wrong move at a much lower likelihood.

Jim cursed softly when he felt Bones cup him, grinding forward. “Shit Bones…" He knew there were some things that he did want, but right now he was just happy to finally have some kind of friction at all.

"Your hands… I…" Jim struggled to find the right words. “Fuck, just touch me skin to skin alright? Before I go insane."

He pushed his hips against Bones’ hand as though to prove the point. In truth, the thought of Bones’ hands; those long fingers that he could remember touching him in a hundred different ways in the past; touching him and getting him off was pretty hot.

He guessed the Doctor would be pretty good with his hands.

Pleased by the other’s response, Bones smiled a bit as he kissed the blond more deeply. Shifting his hand, he slipped his fingers under the pajama pants the other wore, just brushing the tip of the heated flesh. The sound that was released against his lips drew a soft note of approval from his own lips.

Slipping his hand in further into Jim’s pants, he curled his thumb and pinky closer a bit so that he created a curve for the stiff cock to rest in. Working his hand for a moment, he turned his wrist so that he could better grip the man. His strokes were quite teasing though and he couldn’t quite stop the playful curl to his lips as he asked, “Like this?”

Jim groaned and pushed his hips forward. “Bones, if you tease me I’m just going to take care of this myself, I swear to God," he threatened half-heartedly, his hands sliding up to Bones’ shoulders and resting there.

He knew that teasing made things ‘feel better’ and what have you, but he felt he’d been a good boy and held back so far and it was his /turn/ goddamnit and Bones had no right to tease him when he’d restrained himself so far.

He could feel the length of Bones’ fingers around him and it felt better than his imagination had supplied. His own hands were rough from engineering and scarred from fighting and felt distinctly different. Bones’ hands felt soft in comparison, though there was a strength to them that Jim hoped to /God/ that Bones was about to exercise otherwise he was going to lose his mind.

Chuckling softly, Bones increased the passion to their kiss as he tightened his hand around the other’s desire. Increasing the pace of his stroking, the doctor nipped lightly at the blond’s lip. The minute tremble, only noticed from hands long attuned to looking for any problems in the body, had a smile playing over his lips.

While he wasn’t a teen anymore and wasn’t reacting physically quite yet, there was a heat and rush to his blood again. Always happened when he was bringing his partners off. He’d actually wondered a couple times if perhaps he had unnaturally high psy readings for a human, but testing said he didn’t. Meant it was just that he responded to his partner’s pleasure more intensely than some.

Jim whimpered, biting his own lip to stop any more embarrassing sounds escaping. He could feel his hands tightening on Bones’ shoulders as his breath started to become fast and uneven.

He could feel his body starting to betray his control, muscles tightening against exhaustion as he strained towards orgasm. He pressed forward to kiss Bones again, moaning into the other’s mouth as he did so, overcome already.

He felt embarrassing close and wondered if he’d be able to get away with blaming his lack of stamina on the fact he was still recovering. He pulled back a little.

"Shit Bones, I’m gonna…"

Using his teeth and tongue to draw Jim’s lip from between his teeth at the kiss, the doctor gave a slight twist to his strokes in an attempt to draw out more sounds from the blond. Thumb sliding over the tip of Jim’s cock, he sucked softly at the other’s lower lip. The tenseness in the other’s body had him smiling a bit as it increased the minute tremble just a bit.

He loved just how responsive the man was. A part of him understood that it had a bit to do with him having waited with such little stimulation, but there was another part that was crowing about how easily they’d gotten him worked up. Releasing a low sound of disapproval when Jim lifted his head a bit, Bones gave a slight smirk.

“Then go on an’ cum fer me?” Accent thickening as he purred the words, the doctor gave a slight squeeze and increased his pace to encourage the blond to release.

Jim felt Bones capture his lip between his teeth and let out another low whimper, his fingernails digging into the other’s shoulders as he felt Bones change the way he touched him. He felt like every muscle in his body had pulled tight, quivering as he strained.

And then Bones’ voice, purring and drawling in that thick Georgia accent. Jim couldn’t hold back. He made a noise, half way between a moan and Bones’ name, his mind narrowed down on the sensation of the other’s hand.

He let go, shuddering through the waves of pleasure as he did so, hoping that his moans of completion weren’t as loud as they seemed to him in his blissed out state.

He collapsed a little on top of Bones, panting and dazed.

The sounds that Jim made were enough to have the doctor smiling, pleased to know that he could entice such notes from the blond. A low grunt slipped from Bones at the nails digging in at his shoulders, but it wasn’t anything resembling annoyance or pain. Instead it was a noise of approval as he just kept working the other’s hard length.

Blood rushing at the half moaned uttering of his name, the brunet couldn’t help the smirk on his lips as Jim finally gave in. The thick fluid ended up mostly on his forearm thanks to the awkward angle to his stroking, but he would be surprised if some hadn’t gotten on the pants. Oh well, he had several pair of them.

The sudden weight of Jim slumping down on him had him releasing a soft gasp before he took a deep breath and kissed the blond’s temple. He had to bite back the words he wanted to say, figuring they wouldn’t be well received. The ‘I love you’ that wanted to break free was very unlikely to be accepted well since they were supposed to be taking this slow. Besides, he didn’t want to stress the other out by pushing too much on him at once. And the ‘You’re so beautiful’ might not be taken very well since Jim was very much male.

Jim felt Bones kiss his temple and struggled to sit up. He was a little sticky and realised he’d managed to get both of them pretty messy. He grimaced as his body protested moving. Yeah, it probably hadn’t been such a great idea to do this when he was still recovering.

Shit, it probably hadn’t been such a good idea to do this at all. Jim felt a zing of fear go through him. He didn’t trust himself. He had always had the attention span of a gnat when it came to relationships. They lasted as long as he could keep someone between his sheets normally. What if… what if now he’d got what he wanted he couldn’t even dredge up the desire to pursue this relationship with Bones?

This was hardly going slow and by having sex with the other, what if he’d promised more than he could give. He kept his eyes averted as he struggled to sit up.

"I really need to sleep now," he said, hoping the tiredness covered some of the worry in his voice. “Mind if I crawl back into your bed?"

When Jim moved to sit up, Bones pulled his rather messy hand from the other’s pants, smiling at him. It’d been a while since he’d been an equal in intimacies instead of the one controlling everything, and he’d quite enjoyed it. Even if he hadn’t been planning on giving into any form of sex quite so early. Still, the touch hadn’t been unwelcome.

Watching the other man, he could see the blue eyes closing off a bit. Obviously there was something he was worried about but he wasn’t sure what it was. So long as Jim didn’t just pull away and leave, curl up in his own bed and forget that Bones was even his friend, he thought he might manage. It’d hurt to not be able to keep the blond as a lover, but he could cope. Their friendship was a hell of a lot more important.

“Yeah, I should be up in another,” Tilting his head to look at his PADD, he did a bit of math and finally finished his sentence. “Three hours.” While he didn’t plan to go in to work, he needed to make the call before his shift actually started. “Should probably wipe down first.” It was a careful positioning of his arm that kept the mess from hitting the floor after all.

Jim blinked and then saw what Bones meant. He made a small noise in the back of his throat and got off the couch. “I’ll go and get a cloth," he said, though his body seemed to protest moving. Still he managed to drag himself to the bathroom and back with a damp cloth for Bones’ hands.

He handed it over before stretching and looking at the door to Bones’ room. “I’m alright to go back to your bed right?" he asked, feeling unsure now. He couldn’t place the insecurities, but he was too tired to psychoanalyse himself. He’d do it in the morning.

Having been gathering the oomph to make himself get up, Bones watched with a fond smile as Jim moved. While he was a little worried about how steady the blond would be, he didn’t have it in him to argue with the man. Besides, keeping him from doing things would only piss him off and make it harder to get the rehab to work right.

Nodding his thanks and wiping his arm clean, he stood up, adjusting his pants. “Yeah, go on in. I’ll be in shortly. New pants in the top drawer of the dresser.” Smiling at Jim, he grabbed their glasses to put them in the sink and snagging their PADDs before following the blond into the room. Luckily he’d already set his alarm so didn’t have to worry about that. Instead he just flopped down into the bed with a smile. “Sleep well, Darlin’. I should be here all day unless an emergency happens.”

Jim stripped off his somewhat sticky pants and put fresh ones on. Bones’ clothes fit him differently than he was used to and they sat low on his hips. He didn’t mind too much though as he crawled into the bed.

He lay back, against the pillow, realizing that if Bones was going to be there all day tomorrow, that he wasn’t going to be able to escape to be able to think about everything. To be able to take in the fact that he’d just made his best friend come in his mouth and that everything was going to be different between them now.

He kept his eyes closed, but turned on his side so he was at least facing towards where he knew Bones was.

/Gotta take things slow from now on Kirk. No just giving in and fucking this up. If it’s about sex, tell him that. And if it’s about more than sex… you should really come clean with your issues…/

Jim hated his conscience.

Yawning, the doctor rolled over and brushed his lips over the other’s forehead before settling on his back once more. Hopefully the other would sleep well. Bones knew that he finally would. That he’d finally manage to actually sleep for the first time in near a month that wasn’t a drunken stupor or his body finally crashing after days of consciousness.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Bones, I ordered us food, now come entertain me or something,"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [We're sorry for how long this took. BrokenBones lost her internet for a while and so we were unable to work on the story. Now that she's back online we should have semi-regular updates again. Hopefully.]

Though he didn’t see himself sleeping for long. Not with how used to running on only three to four hours of sleep in forty-eight or more he was. Instead he just surrendered to the dark, for once not terrified of dreams. Nor plagued with them after unconsciousness took him.

Instead when he woke to his alarm, he was able to look at Jim with a relaxed smile. Though the yawn that parted his jaws had him rolling over and reaching for his medical bag. Digging out his hypo, he injected himself and got up for the day.

Jim groaned when he heard Bones’ alarm going off. He moved as though to knock it off the side, his hand groping around for a moment before he realised that it was on the other side of the bed. He rolled over in time to see Bones injecting himself with a hypo and rubbed his eyes.

"Mornin’… turn off that damn thing will you? It’s way too early to be up…" he said, his eyes bleary with sleep. He pulled the cover up over his shoulder as he regarded the hypo in Bones’ hand.

"Are you sick? Because I really don’t want to have to be hypo’d first thing in the morning so I don’t catch whatever it is you’ve got."

Tensing when he heard Jim’s voice, Bones let out a sharp hiss as the stream of air sliced his arm slightly. Damnit, he should have known Jim would wake up. Not that he’d really thought about it. Tapping in the code to shut off his alarm, he turned his head to smile at the other.

“Not sick. Just a little something to get me going, Darlin’. I’m running on low sleep today.” Dropping the hypo back into his bag, the doctor held his arm against his side while twisting to run his other hand through the blond’s hair. “You should sleep more. Rest is a good thing for you right now.”

And there was a hell of a difference between a drugged out unconsciousness and sleep. Right now, it was the second that Jim was in need of. Besides, Bones had things he needed to get done. Standing up, he smiled once more at his friend before heading into the bathroom for his morning rituals, pausing for just a moment to fix up his neck and the apparently only bruised ribs so that he could function and didn’t have to deal with a million questions if he got called into the hospital.

Jim let his eyes fall shut when he felt Bones’ hand run through his hair. He could feel sleep pulling on him, warm and inviting, and wanted to sink back down into it. He knew he had a lot of things to face today, and perhaps if he went back to sleep for a while, his head would feel less fuzzy and he’d be able to think clearly.

He pulled the covers tightly around him as he buried down into them. They smelled of Bones and that brought back memories of the night before. Jim could feel his body trying to wake up, but he ignored it, instead thinking about how goddamn happy Bones had looked, eyes blown and desperate.

He began to doze again, his brain mixing memories of the night before with dreams and fantasies that he wouldn’t remember even minutes past awakening. His breathing evened out back into sleep, though it wouldn’t take much to wake him again.

Getting dressed after his shower in a pair of snug jeans and a light tee-shirt, McCoy called into the hospital letting them know he’d be off for a few days at least to help get Kirk back up to command readiness. That done, he fetched his PADD as quietly as he could to go through all of his mail knowing that Jim wouldn’t have to worry too much about his own. Besides, it didn’t seem that checking his mail was good for the blond anyway with how badly he’d reacted to the woman’s message.

He spent the day working at cleaning Jim’s room, most of it clothes that went to be cleaned. Though a little after two in the afternoon, he went to wake his friend and possibly lover. Sitting on the side of the bed, he leaned down over Jim and pressed a kiss to the other’s forehead. “Darlin’, time to get up. Can’t go sleepin’ all day.”

Jim stirred when he felt something warm against his forehead, frowning and trying to turn his face away, wriggling into the bed. He heard Bones’ voice above him though and cracked open an eye.

"What time is it?" he asked and hated how his mouth felt dry and fuzzy. It felt like his face was puffy as well from oversleeping. He moved his hand up to rub the sleep out of his eyes.

As he did so he took in Bones. The other was dressed casually and looked pretty good in what he was wearing. He also looked far too awake to have had the night that they had the night before. Jim vaguely remembered Bones mentioning something about a hypo and guessed that must be the effects. Well, whatever Bones needed to get through the day after yesterday.

"What have you been doing while I was asleep?"

Amused by the way Jim tried to burrow into the covers, Bones was smiling when Jim looked at him. The bright blue said that he was finally trying to wake up at least a bit. “It’s a little after two in the afternoon. Thought maybe we could get you up and ready for the day. I even have an offer for you. Come do shopping with me and we’ll skip the PT today.” Same sorta thing after all since he’d have just been trying to get Jim to do some slow pacing anyways.

He had made Jim promise to at least an hour of physical therapy everyday before they left the hospital. And today he needed to do some shopping for things. Figured if he was gonna be home with Jim all day for at least the next few days then he should have something to do. And cooking was always a good way to keep his attention. So he wanted to get a bunch of fresh foods for a real meal.

“Cleaned your room and the living room, got all the dishes done and took the recycling down.” Shrugging, the doctor ran his hand lightly through the blond’s hair with a warm smile. “So, what’cha think about the shopping idea? I was thinking fried chicken and corn and taters. Maybe followed by some cheesecake?”

Jim looked at the other to see if he was joking, but he looked deadly serious. The thought of Bones tidying up all his stuff. He felt embarrassed. It was somewhat private, to make a mess, and he was sure that he was the one who should have tidied it all up. He wondered if there was any point protesting it though.

He didn’t look at Bones as the other ran through the plans he’d made for today. Plans he’d made while Jim slept like an invalid well into the afternoon.

He did want to escape the flat, go shopping, sneak things into baskets that he was sure that Bones would say weren’t healthy, but at the same time, he felt… wrong. Out of sorts. Bones had tidied his room, made plans for him, was cooking for him. Like he was a child.

"You can go," he said, fingers picking at a stray thread on Bones’ blanket. “I’ll just do the PT instead. I’m feeling rather hungover, on top of everything else."

The lie fell from his lip easily, frighteningly so. He rarely lied to Bones, he’d never felt the need to before, and that frightened him. Things have changed. I changed them last night with him and I can’t do this I need space shit what am I going to do this isn’t what I don’t know I can’t cope how do relationships like this even work?

Nodding his acceptance of the man’s decision, Bones stood up and stretched before heading towards the kitchen. The dishes needed put away and he should probably figure out what he actually had in the cupboards. Pausing at the door way and turning back to Jim, smiling a bit at him, he gestured towards a small stack of Jim’s clothes he’d left on the dresser once they were clean. “Go ahead and shower and when you’re ready we’ll do the PT.”

With that, he headed off to work on the kitchen. He had several menus for different places in one of the end tables in the living room and figured they could order in. If Jim wasn’t up to going out, then they’d just stay in.

Thanks to the doctor side of his brain demanding that he stick around in case the Captain fell or hurt himself some other way thanks to his bit of unsteadiness, Bones didn’t realize how possessive or controlling his response was. All he cared about was keeping Jim safe. It was why he’d not gone into the hospital. Even if being home was driving him insane. He’d already cleaned nearly every room. Once he got the kitchen done he’d have the two bathrooms left and he’d be finished with the entire house. So what in the world would he do tomorrow?

Jim lay, staring at the ceiling as Bones left. Jim wondered if this was normal behaviour and he was just fucked up so much that he couldn’t allow someone to look after him. Even so, he felt that it was a bit of a push. Bones had let him sleep in so late that he was pretty sure he was going to be awake more of the night and he now was going to hover around the apartment invading Jim’s privacy, invading his thoughts.

Jim was self-aware enough to know that some of this was his own insecurities. He didn’t want Bones to sort through his room, because he was scared there might be something in there that would make Bones judge him. He didn’t want Bones to treat him like an invalid, because he didn’t want Bones to see him as just another patient. He didn’t want to be mothered because he was independent and could rely on himself and that had been a trait he’d developed and won for himself in starvation and darkness and blood and he didn’t want to give it up.

He got out of bed, looking at the clothes that had been left for him. He scooped them up and considered going and getting something else just to prove a point but decided it was too petty. He showered quickly and efficiently, glad that Bones hadn’t decided he could only take a bath today, and dressed before leaving the bathroom.

He made his way slowly to the kitchen, feeling feeble and ridiculous, and for a moment watched Bones before he cleared his throat.

"So what’s for ‘breakfast’?" he asked trying to keep his tone light and casual. Like he wasn’t freaking out slightly on the inside.

There wasn’t half as much as he’d thought in his cupboards. Not anymore. There were a handful of cans and a bag of currently growing potatoes that had managed to crawl up the inside of the cupboard door in one side of them. And the other cupboard had a few packaged meals such as instant potatoes and the like. The shelves under the counter were all his pots and pans, so he didn’t even bother there yet. Just wiping stuff down and doing an inventory on his PADD of what he had for real food. He was tired of replicator meals.

Besides, with a list of what he had there wouldn’t be a risk of him buying unneeded things for the meals he wanted to make. Whenever Jim was up for it they’d go do some shopping and such. Until then they had the replicator, the few things they had in the apartment already, and delivery.

Jumping slightly at the sudden sound near him, the doctor realized he’d been too far his own thoughts and plans. Damnit, he was not used to being this idle. “Um, there’s the replicator or there’s delivery.” Mainly because he hadn’t finished figuring out what he had on the counters yet so didn’t feel like making any of it. “Menus are in the end table on this end.” Jerking his head one way to show which ‘this end’ was, Bones continued working on what he was doing.

“If you order something, you wanna get me something too?”

Jim took the menus, scanning over them. Quite a few were more than a few years old and he discarded them, looking for the newer ones. He finally found one that was a deli that delivered within their radius and began to scan over the menu.

"Anything in particular?"

Jim would normally have just ordered for Bones, he knew he would have. But he felt on the back foot, felt like something was different, like Bones’ options might have changed. He wanted to be sure, to not fuck up by accident.

He smoothed the menu in his hands as he looked down at it. Why was he so ill-at-ease?

Then he realised. He had no control. Not over his body, not over his space, not even over his schedule. Everything was being decided by other people. He glanced at Bones. Did the other realise this? Was he doing this consciously to stop Jim from making stupid decisions?

Mostly ignoring Jim, trying to let him have the independence that he knew Jim needed, McCoy focused on what he was doing. Putting stuff back in the cupboards, he shrugged slightly at the other’s question. “Guess that depends on what menu you’ve got there.” Turning his head to smile over his shoulder, he misjudged where the shelf was and slammed his finger between the edge of the shelf and a can. 

“Fuck!” The word came out as a sharp snap as he returned his attention to the task at hand instantly. Setting the can down, he looked at the nail and let out a growl of annoyance over the pain and the line going up the nail that was already white. So long as it didn’t split he’d be okay.

“Just order me something. You know what I like.” Honestly the pain was all that he could focus on at the moment. Eyes closed, he had his hand curled, fingers bent a little awkwardly to protect the finger that’d been injured without touching it. Taking in a deep breath and blowing it out, he told himself that he had to get this done. This was the job and just because he was hurting didn’t mean it didn’t need finished. That thought in mind, he set about finishing getting everything back in the cupboards. Well, everything but the potatoes which ended up dumped in the trash.

Jim moved forward, waiting until Bones was finished dumping things in the trash before taking his hand. It was warm in his hands and Jim studied it carefully for a moment.

These hands had brought him back to life. These hands had done the impossible, resurrecting him, putting him back together almost cell by cell. He could feel the roiling emotions inside him fighting for dominance and he closed his eyes, trying to do what just felt right. He lifted Bones’ hand to his lips, gently pressing them softly against the nail.

"I’m freaking out a little, Bones," he said, trying to be as honest as he could, keeping his eyes shut as he murmured the words against Bones’ fingers. “I don’t really know how to do this whole relationship shit and I just know I’m going to end up picking a fight with you soon unless you seriously just stop what you’re doing and sit down. I need you to just stop looking after me for a few minutes."

Blinking a couple times at the other man in confusion when his hand was taken in Jim’s, Bones’ head tilted in a silent question. He just watched the blue eyed man for a while. A part of him wondered how he had managed to get such an amazing man to agree to trying a relationship. Though the doctor side was more worried about whether Jim should be moving so quickly yet or not. If he was going to recover fast enough to keep Jim from getting depressed or if he was going to push too hard and set himself back instead.

The soft lips against his fingers had the brunet smiling a little, his thumb lifting to barely brush against Jim’s cheek, just missing the corner of the other’s mouth. Having been about to say something about food not going to show up magically if it wasn’t ordered, Bones’ brows knit suddenly at the blond’s words. He was just keeping busy. Didn’t sit around much. It was habit to keep going…

“I’m not looking after you. I’m just doing stuff. Gotta keep busy.” He didn’t realize how it sounded really that he’d said he had to keep doing stuff. Instead he just stood there, looking at Jim for a long moment. Deciding he could take a short break before starting on the bathrooms, even though he’d have absolutely nothing to do the next day since Jim didn’t want to go shopping, he moved to sit on the couch. “I’m just doing stuff, Jim. I figured the place could use a cleaning.”

Jim didn’t drop Bones’ hand, though part of him was saying he should, that he should put space between them; a door, a sofa, a room.

"And we agreed yesterday that we were going to hire a cleaner. Especially as I’m not even sure what was on the floor of my room. There are personal things in there, things I haven’t ever really spoken to you about… I just…" Jim didn’t know how to explain, though he opened his eyes to meet Bones’.

"I know you don’t see it the same way I do. That to you it’s just… keeping yourself busy while I sleep like a fucking invalid, but that’s not how it is to me, okay?"

He squeezed Bones’ hand a little before he let it drop, having to move away, needing the space. He felt raw from even the smallest admission of what he was thinking and knew that his usual options for distracting himself were probably out.

He didn’t want to get drunk, couldn’t exercise and sex… well… That was part of the problem.

“Mostly clothes.” Trying to think on how to explain that he’d had to do something, that he was running too hot to just sit and do nothing. Then again, that was his own fault so he really had no right to complain about it. Just couldn’t deal with the downside of the stims well. So instead he’d gone ahead and done them. Now he was wired and just had to do something. He normally didn’t notice it so badly. Course, normally he was already running to and fro like hell thanks to the starfleet hospital.

Shaking his head, Bones fought for words. “That’s not-you don’t-Damnit.” Taking a moment to collect his thoughts, the brunet finally looked straight at Jim. “This is me being too full of energy to just sit still.” Even as he sat there his leg was shaking up and down, almost a twitch but it was the only way he could cope with how full of energy he was. “I let you sleep, because it’s good for you. You were dead and then in a coma for a damn month. You need real sleep now. It’s not because you’re an invalid. If you were, I wouldn’t have let you leave the hospital yet.” 

He knew he needed to be doing something, couldn’t just sit and do nothing. “I was planning on cleaning my bathroom. Why don’t you come sit on the bed and talk to me while I do it?” That would at least help his focus and draw it away from just how gorgeous Jim was right now with his shower wet hair going every which way and the bright blue eyes shining in anger. He had a random thought of them looking better the night before when it was lust not anger, but that wasn’t important. God he had to do something to get his focus back. He felt so lost, like something was happening all around him and he couldn’t even tell what it was.

Jim nodded, not because he felt he’d actually got through to Bones, but because he realised that there was no way that the other was going to listen to him. He let the other’s fingers fall from his hands and grabbed the menu from the side. “I’ll order the food then. You can scrub away like Cinderella in the bathroom."

He grabbed his PADD from where it had fallen off the couch last night. Her message was still on his screen and for a moment he froze, before he quickly sent off a read receipt, his address attached in the signature. It was as close to an invitation as he could get.

He then typed up the order for two deli sandwiches with as much as it was possible to fit on each of them. He guessed if Bones was just going to tell him to order ‘whatever’ then he could have exactly what Jim wanted. Which was a deli with everything.

"Bones, I ordered us food, now come entertain me or something," Jim called, feeling still a little lost with how to feel.

A little confused by the tone of Jim’s voice, Bones thought of asking what was wrong, but really didn’t know what to say. He’d said what was going on, that he was too hyped up to stay still, and yet Jim seemed upset. But what else was there to say?

Nodding to Jim, even though the man had already turned away from him, Bones took to his feet again and headed to the bathroom. The cleaning supplies were kept in his sink cupboard anyways since he was the only one who ever did the intense cleaning like this. Setting to work scrubbing down the shower, he had barely gotten the walls done and started on the tub when Jim called out to him. He really should have expected that seeing as Jim had never functioned well alone, wanted someone there. Not that Bones was any different. He preferred having someone around so he didn’t get lost in his thoughts.

“Then come on in and sit on the bed. You can talk to me from there.” Shouting back, he kept scrubbing at the tub. It wasn’t quite enough, his mind drifting from thought to thought faster than he had ever thought he’d be able to keep track of. His mind went from Jim in the body bag, to the night before on the couch, to his little girl’s upcoming birthday, to the ranch and on and on. Shaking his head as he worked, he tried to get himself to focus on one thing. Perhaps Jim could help with that if he came to talk. After all, when he was at the hospital he never felt like this. Just ran from room to room getting the patients all fixed up.

Jim moved to the bed. He could see Bones working in the bathroom and lay down on his side, watching the other for a few moments. Really, he wasn’t sure what he was doing anymore. He ran over the events of last night in his head.

His friend, his best friend, was now his lover and he was going to have to make some changes to his lifestyle. Some rather large ones. What did monogamous relationships even look like anyway? Jim guessed that Spock and Uhura’s was one example, though he didn’t see him and Bones having that kind of relationship at all. And most of the ones he’d seen on TV hadn’t exactly been ideal.

Not to mention there were all the other issues that they had to think about. And then there was how the crew would react. Not to mention that Bones had a daughter and that was another thing that Jim had no idea about either.

"Bones… how many people have you slept with?"

Glad that his response hadn’t triggered a fight in Jim since he’d warned he was about to do so only a few minutes before, Bones glanced up and smiled at the blond when he heard the shift of the mattress signalling someone had taken position on it. Looking back to what he was doing, he grabbed the shower head to start spraying the cleaning solution from the tub.

Head snapping over to Jim at the sudden question, Bones ended up hitting the side of the tub with the water in such away that it splashed back onto him soaking his shirt. Having been using cold water meant he gasped and fumbled for the tap, finally getting it off, he turned to face the other with a somewhat shocked look, a slight shiver running through him over the cold shirt plastered to his skin.

“Some?” He couldn’t help the uncertainty in his tone. Was Jim actually asking for a number? Or was he wanting to know what sort of experience Bones had? What was the actual thought behind the question?

Jim blinked when he heard the chaos in the bathroom and sat up slightly to see Bones had soaked his shirt and was standing there staring at him. He looked like he’d been caught like a rabbit in the headlights and Jim couldn’t help the smirk that spread across his face.  
He got off the bed, moving to the doorframe instead, leaning against it.

"Some? That’s not very specific Bones," he said. It was… important in some way and Jim was damned if he could explain eloquently why. It was more than just curiosity or possessiveness, though there was some of that in there. It was more about understanding. If Bones had been with very few people, Jim could assume certain things about him and maybe start to work through what he was supposed to do now, what he was supposed to change.

The smirk that danced across the blond’s features had a faint version playing on Bones’ own lips. While he was also good at making him lose his temper, Jim was amazing for making him smile. Or at least show emotion and keep the depression at bay. Worked better than any meds he’d ever tried.

Watching Jim move closer, the doctor took a step forward to make sure the puddle of water was behind him in case the captain decided to move closer. After all, shaky legs plus water on linoleum? A dangerous mix.

A soft sigh slipped from the brunet at Jim’s inquiry. “I didn’t make it my mission to sleep with everyone in our year at the academy, but I wasn’t celibate either.” He’d had a couple relationship’s while at the academy. Only one went to the intimacy stage, but Jim didn’t need to know that. Yes, he knew the count of every single person he’d ever been intimate with, not that it was a high number, but he didn’t see why that information was needed. “What would you think if I went asking you how many you’ve slept with?” Even if he figured the answer was something such as ‘I lost count.’

"Then I’d tell you the answer. Approximately. Probably rounding down the the nearest five. And counting some beings as one person even though I’m not entirely sure they class that way under Starfleet legal regulations," Jim said, frowning slightly as he thought about that particular creature. It had been entertaining at least.

"If you don’t want to tell me, then don’t," Jim shrugged and pushed away from the door, going back to the bed. He was pretty sure that the act of putting space back between them would make it clear to Bones that he really did want an answer on this, that he was going to push it. The other had so quickly brushed aside his desire for the other to just stop earlier and now wouldn’t even answer a relatively simple question.

Watching Jim go back to the bed, he sighed softly and turned to pull out a towel. Throwing it down on top of the water on the floor, he headed into the bedroom as well while working on the buttons of his shirt. The water was warming to his skin and just starting to get plain uncomfortable and just standing still was making him twitchy. So he decided a change was needed.

“Whether it’s five or ten, or somewhere in between or hell, a couple hundred, what does it matter? No, I’m not a virgin, pretty sure Joanna is testimony to that. So what does it matter who all I’ve slept with?” Bones just did not understand as to why this seemed to matter so damned much to Jim. He did all of Jim’s medical exams and knew that he didn’t have any diseases, and he didn’t have any either, so why did it matter? Then again, the doctor had never been one to talk about sex really. Not unless he was in the middle of it. Even then he wasn’t really one much to get crude or anything like that. Just never sounded right in his head so he never said it. No matter how sexy it sounded coming from his partners.

Dropping his shirt in the dirty clothes, he looked at Jim again. “I don’t understand why this matters. Just tell me why you care?” Wasn’t like he didn’t know how it all worked. He was a doctor after all.

Jim watched the muscles shift on Bones’ back as he stripped off his shirt and turned to him. He let his gaze wander over the other’s torso. It was the first time he’d been able to let his gaze linger this way. Previous times, Bones had been firmly off limits and even if Jim had appreciated his shirtlessness, it had been purely in a hands-off way. And last night there had barely been any time to truly take in the other. He licked his lips, trying to keep his mind on the matter at hand.

"All my previous relationships have been based around one thing, Bones. So yeah, perhaps I am going to put more emphasis on that and wanting to know shit about that. I mean, is it that weird? To want to know someone’s sexual history if you’re actually going to have a some kind of relationship?" Jim felt like a virgin again, fumbling to do the right thing. He did feel he was right, that they probably would have to find out if one of them was going to scream ‘daddy’ while being fucked or some such shit. Why was Bones looking at him like it was such a weird question?

Figuring that since he was still cleaning the bathroom and there’d be water involved, the doctor didn’t bother grabbing a shirt. “Then ask me what you really want to know. Don’t ask who or how many.” He’d never been one to put a number to it, even if he did in fact know. If only because he knew some didn’t consider things the same way he did. Not to mention the fact he rarely talked about sex anyways.

“Sex isn’t the only thing to be known. You do know that right?” Heading back into the bathroom to continue rinsing down the tub, Bones sighed softly. “I’m sorry, not trying to be snappish. Just feeling a little out of it today.” Mainly because he couldn’t seem to focus for anything. Had he misdialed the amount of meds he’d given himself?

Jim watched Bones retreat back to the bathroom and sighed. Did Bones really think it was that easy?

"That’s the second time you’ve just dismissed something I’ve said today, you know," he pointed out. “Even if you don’t want to answer the question, you don’t have to be like that about it. So what’s wrong with you? Because I know I’m an annoying idiot, but I’m an annoying idiot who is actually trying to work out where this is going."

Jim didn’t know whether to admit the next thing, hoping that he could keep it to himself a little longer, hold it close to himself and maybe gloss over it. He wasn’t sure he could though.

"I’ve never done the whole… relationship thing before. Flings, fuck buddies, but not… not steady," he said the word like it was some obscure term from quantum physics that no one could understand.

Brows knitting together as he tried to figure out if he had in fact just dismissed what Jim was saying, Bones finished rinsing the tub and turned off the tap. Leaving the shower head hanging down, he moved back to the bedroom. “I’ve never been one to discuss...sex. I just kinda went with the flow.” Making himself sit on the bed next to Jim, the doctor took a slow, deep, breath to try to calm himself before talking.

“I’m sorry. I’m just a bit...um...not focusing well.” Fidgeting slightly as he sat next to the blond, Bones tried to figure out what to say, what to do. “I’m not trying to just disregard what you’re saying, I’m just out of it today.” Reaching out for the other, he set his hand just lightly over one of Jim’s. “I’ll try to answer your questions. I really am sorry. Didn’t mean to use so much.” The last was said in a soft whisper, the doctor not realizing he’d said it aloud.

"Didn’t mean to use so much…?" Jim trailed off because by the time he’d finished the sentence out loud, his brain had already raced to that morning. Bones had taken something, and Jim had assumed it was just a one off thing. Had Bones overdosed himself on something?

"You’re on stims right now? How much did you give yourself? Shit, you know that stuff builds up in your body, you aren’t going to be able to take it for days if you’ve given yourself too much," Jim was turning to Bones, his eyes wide and genuinely worried for the other. He turned his hand over, so that he could link his fingers with Bones.

At least it would explain Bones’ inability to just… sit down with him and talk through some of this. Though Bones was just going to have to man up about sex, because if they didn’t talk about it at all, Jim was going to feel like a rapist the first time something went wrong in sex.

“Yeah, it helps me keep going. Really didn’t take that much.” A little bit confused as to why Jim knew about how stims worked, mainly because he didn’t think the man had ever been one to do ‘em, Bones struggled to focus well enough to reply intelligently and calmly. “I mean, it’s the same amount as always. Shouldn’t have built up this much. Maybe it’s because I’m not as busy as I am at the hospital?”

While he didn’t really mean to be saying this out loud, there was a part of him that didn’t want to keep it all quiet anymore. Wanted Jim to know what he was going through. Wanted to make sure the other knew he wasn’t trying to be an ass, was just struggling with this dose of stims for some reason. Curling his fingers with Jim’s, he tried to smile a bit, though it came off rather weak as his doctor side began to run through possible problems caused by a build up of the meds in his system. God, he really should have kept a closer eye on it all.

But at least this would help Jim not be so angry right? Or at least not feel like Bones was babying him by cleaning. He was just running so damned high that he had to be doing something. Even now his free hand was shifting almost as if he were typing on his PADD.

Jim immediately let go of Bones hand, getting to his feet and starting to pace. His body felt sluggish, he couldn’t do his rapid pacing like he would normally do while his mind worked.

Bones had been taking stims for a while from what he’d just said. This wasn’t just a quick one after last night. This was something he’d been using to get through shifts at the hospital. Something he’d depended on. And now it’d built up to the stage where even a medicinal amount was making him high as a kite?

"How long, Bones? How long have you been taking this? Please tell me you weren’t working on saving my life while completely high? Please tell me you never worked on the Enterprise completely hyped up on stims," Jim’s voice had an almost begging quality. He couldn’t… He couldn’t imagine going back into space without Bones, wasn’t sure he could do it mentally without him, but he wasn’t about to put his crew in jeopardy if Bones was using drugs to get himself through shifts.

“A couple, three weeks? No more.” As Jim’s words continued, Bones couldn’t help the sudden anger that filled him. “The hell? Do you seriously think that damn little of me?” Moving to his own feet, hands clenched at his side as the stims made the burst of anger grow into a near fury. “You really think I would endanger the entire goddamn ship for no reason?” He’d used them a couple times while on the ship, but very small doses and only when he had no chance to take a break. When he had to be there for another shift.

“I don’t fuckin’ use ‘em fer jus’ a goddamn high!” Snarling the words, the doctor couldn’t help the way his teeth were bared almost viciously. How the hell could Jim think that of him? He’d thought the blond knew him, knew he wasn’t one to just do drugs for kicks. Did the one man that he cared for, honestly thought he loved, really think so little of him? He could feel a sadness deep within himself, but it was kept in check by the anger that he knew was partially to do with the Stims. But really they’d only enhanced his anger, made it the dominant emotion.

Jim felt anger surge through him. Oh so Bones could admit that it might harm the ship, might be a bad idea then, but when he was working on saving Jim’s life, suddenly a clear head wasn’t as important? When starting a relationship that was clearly going to be as rocky and issue driven as theirs, Bones thought it was perfectly acceptable to shoot up?

"Oh? So why did you need them this morning then, huh? What have you been doing all day that needed you oh so alert?" Jim moved so he was closer, invading Bones’ personal space. At least if the other hit him he’d have an excuse to leave the apartment, to run away for a little while.

"Tell me, Bones. How often did you do stims while my life hung in the balance? Every damn day? You know, Nyota told me a saying: ‘Beware the naked man who offers you a shirt’. If you’re not even looking after yourself, how can you possibly look after someone else?" He knew he was pushing buttons, knew he was trying to get a rise out of Bones and god, Bones did look amazing, his eyes hot with anger.

Tensing a bit with the way Jim moved in, Bones set his jaw for a moment before he finally found the words to say. A part of him recognized this side of Jim. Had seen him goad others into fights too damn many times over the years not to. He wouldn’t strike Jim. Jocelyn had tried it for over a month and he’d never struck her, he wouldn’t strike Jim. He was not and abusive lover.

“For you, Jim! I had to be alert for you! Make sure you didn’t get hurt, Damnit!” The doctor didn’t know how he’d ever manage if Jim got accidentally hurt and Bones was too out of it to do anything, too tired to get to him. He could feel the anger encouraging him to lash out in some way, but he wouldn’t do so physically refused to even really think about hitting his lover.

“I look after myself a hell of a lot better than you do.” Save for the last month where stims, protein shakes, and bourbon kept him going, that was. “So I took stims to do what needed done. So what? At least I’m not addicted to adrenaline! I don’t threaten the lives of the entire damn crew cause I need my daily dose of adrenaline!”

Jim froze, eyes wide and mouth open slightly. He felt his chest constrict, felt his blood run cold. Is that what… Is that what Bones thought of him? That the lives of his crew meant nothing? That everything was just about chasing adrenaline and-

"Fuck you, Bones," he snarled, stepping back out of the other’s personal space and grabbing his communicator from where he’d shoved it on the side. “You know what, fuck all of this. I didn’t need any of it. I didn’t ask for any of it either. You just decided to dump all your emotional bullshit onto me, when I’m weak enough and fucked up enough that I thought, hey, it sounds like a good idea."

Jim shook his head, refusing to look at Bones, refusing to wipe the bitter look of his face. “But you’re as bad as everyone else I ever trusted. No, no you’re worse. You let me lay myself fucking bare before you, you made me think- No. I don’t care anymore. I’m out. I’m done. Thanks for saving my life. Guess I’ll just go sacrifice it now on some fucked up thrill chase."

Jim turned to leave.

Just from the look on the blond’s face, Bones could feel his anger bleeding away. His own words seemed to suddenly register him as Jim cursed him and he couldn’t help the way he felt his chest tighten. How could he have said such things? Sure, he’d felt like that a couple times on their first mission. At least in a way. Sure, he knew Jim wanted to save Pike then, but he’d also felt like part of it was the adrenaline spike that he got almost daily at the academy in someway or another.

Jim’s words hurt and he felt the last of the anger seep away to be replaced by the same sensation of desolation that’d swamped him when Jocelyn had left him. Except this time, it was worse. It hurt ten times worse, made it hard to breathe. Not that the fall of tears that’d started helped any. He’d cared about Jim for years, couldn’t just lose him like this. Even if there wasn’t any form of relationship, it’d always been something he considered impossible anyway, he couldn’t lose Jim completely.

When the other turned to leave, he managed to force himself to move. With a couple long steps he was wrapping his arms around Jim’s waist, clinging to him with a near crushing force as he pressed his face to the other’s shoulder blade. Body shaking as he trembled with a mass of emotions, fear, sadness, and several other that he couldn’t even try to put a name to at the time, he felt the other’s shirt dampen within moments. Unable to get his mind to work straight, to get everything in order so he could explain himself, tell Jim that he was horrid in arguments, said things that he didn’t mean, he instead released a single broken sob.

“Please.”

Jim heard the sound of feet on carpet and he froze as Bones’ arms wrapped around his waist, preventing him from moving. He could feel the dampness through his t-shirt, spreading across his shoulder. But it was at the broken sob that he came undone.

He turned in Bones’ arms, grabbing the back of his neck and kissing him fiercely, all teeth and tongue. His hand fisted in the other’s hair, tugging it to force his head back before dropping his mouth to his neck and biting down, marking Bones in the only way he could right now.

He was still angry, hurt, confused, but for some reason he couldn’t leave. Not when Bones begged, not in that voice. He could taste tears on his tongue.

"You’re so fucked up, Bones," he growled against the other’s neck. “What do you want from me? Want me to just fuck you without caring? Let you do whatever the fuck you want because I don’t care enough to stop you?"

Jim’s teeth grazed the area he’d made sensitive. “Tell me. Tell me what you want from me."

As much as he didn’t want to, when he felt Jim move he loosened his arms. Though he found himself releasing another soft sob, this one more of surprise and relief than the agony of before, when Jim’s lips pressed to his own. While he wasn’t used to this sort of treatment, the only lovers who’d ever marked him being female and thus quite a bit gentler with him, Bones couldn’t find a part of him that didn’t enjoy the fierce attack.

Mouth opening easily under the onslaught, he responded to the kiss. Gasping at the hand in his hair, the doctor moaned as his head was tilted back, a needy note following it at the bite to his neck. Shuddering slightly, he wondered if this was because it was Jim, or because this was a kink that he’d never really played with and was just discovering.

The insult against his neck had Bones fighting off memories of the same insult used on him as a teen, had to remind himself that Jim wasn’t like those men. When the blond’s teeth grazed over the bite mark again, the brunet twitched slightly, a moan slipping past his lips as his hands turned just a bit to grip at the other’s shoulder blades keeping him close.

“You. I want whatever you can give me.” Which was true. He’d cling to anything Jim was willing to give him more than he had with his ex-wife. He could ignore anything that was needed to pretend that Jim was his when they were alone. His last came out shaky, tears still tracking down his temples to dampen his hair now. “Can’t lose you...”

Jim growled when he heard Bones’ answer. So vague, so all-encompassing. Jim couldn’t accept it. Not that answer. There was no such thing as unconditional love. There was no one so selfless that they could give up anything to love another. Bones had already proved that. He hadn’t been able to give up parts of himself, secrets. What Jim had wanted had been dismissed.

"No, you want more than that," Jim hissed, sliding his face up to drag his teeth over Bones’ earlobe. “Admit it to me. You can tell yourself you’d be happy with anything, but it wouldn’t be the truth, would it Bones? No one loves that way. Everyone wants something."

He bit down lightly before sliding his tongue along the shell of Bones’ ear. “Don’t hide from me behind that sanctimonious bullshit. Don’t make yourself out to be a martyr. Tell me what to do."

The last words were almost forced out, a plea.

Moaning softly at the feel of teeth against his skin again, uncaring that it’d moved to his ear, Bones pulled the other as tight to his body as he could manage. Jim’s words hurt because he knew how true that was. He’d loved Jocelyn, with all his heart, but over the couple years that he knew about her and Clay, he couldn’t keep it up. It gradually came to hurt too damned much and the love he had for her began to fade. He still cared for her, to a much lower degree than before, but was far from in love with the woman anymore.

The brunet couldn’t help the way he shifted his hips forward against Jim’s at the continued attention to his ear. “I want you to love me back. Want to have someone actually be happy with me. To tell me if I’m not enough up front instead of hiding it. I want someone to honestly give a damn.”

The attention he was getting from the other had him giving another low sound of desire and rolling his hips against the other. Yes, emotions were part of what he wanted, a big part, but he was also more or less touch starved. At least in any form of intimate ways. Which had him taking a breath and turning his head so that his rather needily growled words would rumble straight into the other’s ear. “But right now, I want this,” The words were punctuated with a firm rock of his hips. “Want you right now.”

Jim felt relieved and frightened in equal measure when Bones told him what it was he wanted. He knew that some of that he could definitely do. Others he wasn’t so sure, but he was willing to try. The last one though, he could definitely do. But as he’d said before, everyone wanted something and nothing was free.

"You’ve got to promise me something, then I’ll give you what you want. All of it Bones. Honesty, sex, the whole lot," Jim let the hand that wasn’t gripping Bones’ hair slide between them, cupping his crotch and squeezing slightly.

"Promise me you won’t take those stims anymore."

A low growl of need slipped from the brunet at the hand sliding between them and he was nearly nodding before Jim finished talking. If Jim could give him what he claimed to be willing to, it would be heaven on Earth. But a part of him feared the other’s ability to accept things as they were without thinking Bones had an agenda. After all, wasn’t that what got them here?

Still, he wanted so much more than what he and Jim had at the moment. Wanted to be able to sit and touch this man as he pleased, to kiss him when the mood struck. And at the moment, wanted to feel the other’s body against his own in one pleasure filled moment. “I don’t need ‘em. Like I said, musta slipped when dialing up the dose. Promise I’ll stop.”

Rocking his hips against the hand lightly squeezing his need, the doctor released another, “Please...” But at least this time it was one of need and pleasure as he clung to the other man.

Jim took the promise and filed it away. He guessed it made him a rather bad person that he would use sex to get what he wanted, but whatever. It wasn’t the first time and it wouldn’t be the last either. He moved his hand from McCoy’s crotch, letting his fingers grip Bones hips to stop him from rocking against him.

"You’re going to need the bed, Bones," he said, sucking his ear lobe lightly. “I’m going to fuck you so hard you won’t be able to get out of bed, even on stims."

Jim knew he could. He could feel the darkness inside him reacting to Bones’ submissiveness against him. He usually pushed it away. People didn’t want it more often than not, just wanted Jim Kirk the charming gentleman and playboy. But Bones had brought it out of him, kicking and screaming and angry. For once it wasn’t a desire to hurt/survive/kill, but instead to claim/force/dominate and Jim couldn’t fight against it.

"Get on the bed Bones."


End file.
